For a minute there I lost myself... Lost myself in your eyes, in your smile, in your lips... Lost myself in your arms until you left, and then... I lost myself in my fingertips...
I was at the Gynecologist today. Not the best way of starting a post but well... That's what I did today. Why? Well, because I had to mostly. It's been a while and it's not suppose to be. Anyways, my point was that I had two very different reactions while I was there.
First, you see all these pregnant women sitting there, waiting, caressing their wombs and talking with their husbands. It was nice to see there were still couples that share that moment, and that not all mothers-to-be are bitter and tired.
But (and there's always a but isn't?), personally I was getting a mix series of news. Everything seemed to be in order except for an inflammation of the endometrium which worried my doctor. And as she started explaining, it started to worry me.
So, long story short, I'm having an endometrial biopsy in two weeks. Scares the hell out of me that I could have cancer. I mean, I'm only 25! But I don't want to lose my cool just yet. I'll wait, it's better to wait and see, isn't????
I don't even know anything about that kind of cancer, if they have to take everything out or how the heck it works... I don't know. I guess I'll make a post this week about it. Gives me a good motivation to search, otherwise I'll be too much of a coward. I've been scared for years now about ever having any kind of cancer, specially anything related to that area since my mom had a tumor a good ten or twelve years ago, so...
Anyways, guess I'll be looking up information, going crazy, bitting my nails to sleep and waiting until my appointment: April 6, 2011.
So, I'm at my computer class right now. We had presentations today using power point. Did mine already, and man! People are so boring lol. Some are okay but most are tedious as hell!
I just wanted to come in and say MAN, IM SO FUCKING BORED!!!!
Oh, wait they heard my keyboard going click click, damn! Have to go, presentations are almost done and afterwards we have some Excel exercises.... I know, boring.... Oh, and there's no break! In a four hour class!!!!! *whisper* and I need to pee....=S
I feel very adventurous. There are so many doors to be opened, and I'm not afraid to look behind them.
I found out about twenty minutes ago that the great actress Elizabeth Taylor died today. Her publicist announced that she had been hospitalized for about a month and died from congestive heart failure in a hospital in LA. She was 79 years old.
Taylor was famous for her professional and private life. She was a great actress since her youth. She won an Oscar for Butterfield 8 in 1960 and another for Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf in 1966. One of her most famous roles was Cleopatra in 1961. Seriously, who wasn't seen Cleopatra? Which was actually the first time an actor or actress was paid a million dollar for a movie!
If someone's dumb enough to offer me a million dollars to make a picture, I'm certainly not dumb enough to turn it down. (E. Taylor)
Her eyes were said to be her greatest trademark because of the unusual violet color. Her make up always accentuated them like an echo of her internal seductress. She was a splendid woman who we can remember always dressed with spectacular glamor, dark glasses, cigarette holder in one hand and big hairdo...
She seemed to be everywhere at once. I was reading an article on the San Francisco Chronicle, where they mention how everyone in LA has a story about Elizabeth Taylor; seeing her going out of a bathroom, a car, in a building, etc. Her passion, her wit... She was everything women wanted to be; and a great role model for women that wanted to better themselves. Her fight against drugs and alcohol is legendary, not to mention her constant work about AIDS.
Oh, and don't forget she receive the honor title of Dame by the Queen of England. And her legendary friendship with Michael Jackson, who wrote the song "Elizabeth, I love you" for her 65th birthday.
She was also a great businesswoman, we all know that. Who can forget her White Diamonds add: The fragrance dreams are made of.
In her personal life she was famous for her philanthropy and the fact that she got married eight times, two of them to actor Richard Burton, whom she met while doing Cleopatra.
Her son, Michael Wilding, said in a statement today: "My mother was an extraordinary woman who lived life to the fullest, with great passion, humour, and love. Her remarkable body of work in film, her ongoing success as a businesswoman, and her brave and relentless advocacy in the fight against HIV/AIDS, all make us all incredibly proud of what she accomplished. We know, quite simply, that the world is a better place for Mom having lived in it."
Elizabeth Taylor was a great actress, woman, philanthroper... she was a legend.
So, I was watching the season finale of Secret Diary of a Call Girl. Awesome, btw. Anyways, Billie Piper is doing an amazing job, and its very different seeing her in this role after watching her in Doctor Who. I don't think she's particularly pretty, something about her face, but she makes a great call girl and all gussy up she looks actually pretty stunning.
The point of the whole post is that I found myself crying at the end, when she goes and meets Ben to tell him he deserves a great life and she can't give it to him, he deserves better (which I agree on), and he says there was no turning back from that. They couldn't be friends anymore; and she walks away crying but somehow free. And as the scene passed I realize it wasn't the scene but the music what made me cry. So, I looked up who sings the song and I found out this amazing british singer I had never heard before. Like her instantly, specially after hearing her talk and sing.
So, here you have it... Adele singing "Someone like you". Great song, awesome singer. And yes, sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes... it hurts instead...
This is a wake up call, and I don't mean like the one you get in hotels to actually wake you up in the morning, but more like a reality check. How I got mine? Easily enough, I was watching an episode of House on Hulu when this add came on and I thought wow, something should be done. And since I have no money, seriously I can barely survive on chicken noodle soup and water, I decided this is the best way to take the message onto whoever comes in and reads this.
"The bodies and spirits of women and girls are the forgotten frontline in conflicts throughout the world. Sexual violence is not just a by-product of war; it is a strategy of combat systematically used to terrorize and humiliate." (IRC)
Every single day in places all over the world, women are fighting for their rights, for their lives... and it might be weird to us because as women living in the 21st century (somewhere around the U.S., Europe, etc.) we have equality and rights; even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I mean, to this day we have to work harder for what we want than men, but it's okay, keeps us motivated.
However, there are women fighting, women that can barely stand up, and that have been abused in every imaginable way since they are conscious enough to remember, maybe before.
The difference between us and them is not that we are smarter but that we are educated. Not that we have a great job, but that they can't get one. Not that we have difficulties but that they are abused. Not that they are lazy, but that they are not given the means to support their family, to get a better life.
They are fighting to survive violence, inequality, poverty and disease; we are just fighting. If to all that you add the war, the destruction and disaster the odds against them are even worst. "Nothing is more vital than what they are fighting for: their families and their own fiercely held dignity." (IRC)
So, if they can find the strength to fight, struggle, to succeed and survive, why is it that we can't even make the effort to help?
Others are. People are helping, taking action and trying to help them by giving them the tools necessary for them to succeed: Education, a refuge, work, and the support to move forward, to go ahead and be independent, to be brave, to be WOMEN and to fight for their lives.
And the beautiful part? Women are winning, against all odds, amid the worst crises... they are winning, and taking control of their lives. But they can't do it alone.
So, the IRC (International Rescue Committee) is asking for our help. Maybe, like me, you can't donate, maybe you think you have no time, but sending a msg, an e-mail, doesn't take you more than five minutes out of your schedule and it can help other people, those who have the money and the time to help, to actually DO something about it. Still, if you can do something go online to the IRC page and take action.
I received an email today from Change.org, which in case you don't know its a a page where people can start petitions for something they really care about and have people in the U.S. sign them. So, I got this e-mail, about 5 minutes ago when I got home, and what I read shock me immensely.
Apple,Inc. released an application to "cure" gay people! And my reaction was precisely WTF????? Basically this group of crazy bible huggers decided to launched an app with Apple that promised to cure gay people and it's directed especially towards kids. They are saying parents should have their kids use the application in an attempt to make them straight. They say the point is to give kids a "freedom from homosexuality"... as if!
First of all, its already been scientifically proven that homosexuals are, usually, born that way. And even if they weren't it's their choice to make! And truth is I believe love has no gender. Love is love... lust is lust, sex is awesome and seriously: don't ever reject something you've never tried simply because you don't understand it. I think as humans we are born with the capacity to love any gender. We are born in that way bisexual. Our life, our experiences, our tastes its what ultimately defines us. So a teenager struggling with his/her sexuality is bound to try both before finding the one he/she likes the most, or simply know which one they like just by their feelings. And it's not wrong and it's not dirty... it simply IS.
This campaign/app is sending the wrong message. It's targeting kids that are struggling with their sexuality, a thing that we all go through no matter how straight we turn out to be, and bringing back the whole "your going to hell for being gay thing"! The struggling is hard enough... life is hard enough without having a bunch of fanatics trying to brain wash you in your own goddamn phone!
And then Apple actually gave it FOUR freaking stars!!! Meaning it's not offensive, when it seriously IS! So, what happened? People started a petition!! Which I signed, and if I could would sign over and over again. This is, simply put, a hate campaign againts LGBT people, and so people decided it wasn't going to be ignored.
"This is a double standard that has the potential for devastating consequences. Apple needs to be told, loud and clear, that this is unacceptable." [The West Australian]
So I'm asking you, whoever you might be, to sign the petition. Because people should have the choice of loving, liking or fucking however they like, and because at the end it's their decision, their life, their happiness... So sign, sign now because it matters... because as human beings who we are, who our kids, our brothers, our friends are matters! Defend their rights!
I've been trying for a while now to change the name of the blog...
Finally I have!
Someone told me that for my blog to be more popular it had to have a shorter name, preferably one that made sense (lol), and finally that I should put on a lighter background because people respond better to it than to a dark weird one.
Well... I changed the title, not because I wanted a shorter one but because I didn't liked the one I had: The Lost and Found Pond; didn't make any sense. I changed the background, but not for a lighter one, simply for one I like a lot.
I tried putting a lighter one on but... it's just not me! I'm dark and weird! I'm ironic, obsessed, clinically depressed, and overly moody! So what the hell! Whoever is interested might just have to accept me, weirdness and all, and simply let me be.
So welcome! Welcome back, welcome for the first time, or simply Welcome!
I've always believe that as human beings we are all connected through energy. Energy that goes from one to the other and that it's in itself the same energy traveling around the world. So basically we are all connected in a deep emotional level, which is why when something horrible happens we can all feel it, and we sit at home watching through the television other people's pain, suffering, anguish, and feel very impotent because the truth is: there is nothing we can do. Sure, we can send food, go help, get the survivors out of wherever they might be but that is all AFTER. Through the disaster, through that moment in time and history when we sit and watch we know deep down there is nothing we can do at that precise moment that would make any difference. We can't stop the earth from shaking, the airplanes to stop, the sea to stay put, we can't do that simply by wishing it happen. And that's why our soul shatters a bit each time.
I'm not a very religious person, not really. But I do believe in that connection, how can I not? We watch them, and we feel them, we cry for them, even pray for them when we aren't really sure to whom we are praying, but we pray because nothing is ever enough... We want the earth to stop shaking around us, drowning us in itself, in the waters that surround it and we can't help but feel a deep heavy feeling in our chests because we just know, we just fear, we just expect US to be next...
The day the earth moved in Japan last 11th of March the whole world felt it.
I remember perfectly where I was. Right here. Sitting at my computer, thinking, writing, fighting with myself because I was being lazy, because I felt empty... When two o'clock in the morning came and I felt this incredible desire to do something, to run, to leave, to... and that's when I decided to go to bed. Problem was I couldn't sleep. I felt this pressure in my chest, like there was someone sitting on top of me, like I was trying to breathe but the air was too heavy. So I got up. I walked around the house, opened the refrigerator three or four times and then settle on front of my computer to read. Morning came and I couldn't sleep...
Next day I found out. The earth had moved. It had moved when I was in my bed feeling like the walls were closing in. The earth had moved when I felt I couldn't breath, the earth had moved and I... I had simply walked around feeling uneasy, damning the insomnia. And people around me had slept, slept soundly through the night, like nothing had happened.
The earth moved... Moved more than ever before. Moved with rage. Moved furiously wanting to swallow everything in it's way... and here people slept.
So many people died that night. So many... So many will never appear again...
And it's enough to make us sad, to help us feel closer to the people we love, to cuddle, and hug, and take each other hands... afraid of what would happen if we ever let go. And for one hour, one day, one week... we are more human than ever. We need each other more, we are nicer, we are more afraid, more grateful, or resentful than ever before...
March 13 I woke up with my mother sleeping beside me, her hand in mine. It's at times like this, when our soul is sad and our minds afraid, when we reach out for one another more than ever. So we slept in the bed that had been my brothers before he moved, closest thing we could get to him, and held each others hand. Closure... we needed closure. Because what could ever assure us we wouldn't be next? That one day that wouldn't be us? So we did the only thing we could do and tried to feel safe with each other. After all, we are all we have... at the moment.
When we got up, we were much more calm. Everything had passed, the night had passed and we were okay, we were sad, yes, but we could work through. We were safe.
But not everyone is... So many people... So many lost forever, so many that would never be the same again; so many that lost the people they loved... So many.
Japan lost more than 10 thousand souls in one day... This fact alone deserves at least that moment... that moment of silence, of prayer, where we think, where we feel, where we ask, where we fear... it deserves the time to think about the world, the disasters that come with us abusing the ecosystem, the fragility of life... To think about the families, the victims, the survivors. Is the moment to pray even if you don't believe or don't know how, to reflect about your life, to change deep inside, to feel raw and cry. It's the moment to be human... to exists and let that energy pour out...
The moment of silent when everything stands still.
Well, today is the day, my people! The day I’ll tell you about Valentine’s! I know, I know… its kind of late for it; February is over, March is here and soon after it Easter! But still, I thought it would be a good idea to wait until people had stopped drowning their loved ones in flowers, chocolates, and balloons, and the sweet and bitter smell of Valentine’s Day had left the atmosphere, before I actually talked about it. Then I can spare myself the “Awws” or “Ughss” and simply tell the tale, give my opinion and MOVE ON!
So, here goes: Basically, the origins of this day go back to the Ancient Rome. “Where men hit on women by, well, hitting them” (Seipel). The Romans celebrated from the 13 to the 15 the festival of Lupercalia in honor of the God of Fertility. Why in the middle of February? Well, bits me! The point is they chose this month for some reason. During the feast, men would choose their mate and marry her. No questions ask, simply “You are mine”, and that was an order. (We have to remember that women had no rights in the Roman Empire.)
“The Roman romantics were drunk. They were naked," says Noel Lenski, a historian at the University of Colorado at Boulder. "Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lenski says. They believed this would make them fertile.” (Seipel)
Dumb, dumb… And I can hear any hot-blooded woman in this century saying: “Really? Maybe some of them, but ALL of them???? They actually believed that?”. And the answer is “Who knows?”. You’ve been put down, taking advantage off and ridiculed all your life, its hitting that much of a stretch?
Afterwards, they would have what Seipel called the “matchmaking lottery” (Loved that phrase! so I have to repeat it), where men would take out a name from a jar and basically hook up with whomever they had the fortune or misfortune to pick. For how long? Couple of minutes… hours… days or forever. And all this during the feast, meaning they “mated” in front of everyone in what looked, in my imagination, like a big-sweaty-everyone-touching-orgy. Nightmare!!!
There are two versions of what happens next. In the darker version, Emperor Claudius II executed two men named Valentine on February 14, making the name famous or something. Later the Catholics mixed the holiday up, in a quick conversion cocktail for pagans, with the St. Valentine’s Day. Lensy said it was “a little more of a drunken revel, but the Christians put clothes back on it.” After all of this, the romantics, Shakespeare, Chaucer, etc, romanticized the holiday with all those oh-so-incredibly-romantic-poems, that in truth weren’t at all that romantic but still makes us go “awww”; like for example:
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun; Coral is far more red than her lips' red; If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun; If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head. I have seen roses damasked, red and white, But no such roses see I in her cheeks; And in some perfumes is there more delight Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks. I love to hear her speak, yet well I know That music hath a far more pleasing sound; I grant I never saw a goddess go; My mistress when she walks treads on the ground. And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare As any she belied with false compare. (Shakespeare)
In the more romantic version, they would get married on the feast until Claudius became the Emperor and decided to outlaw marriages, the official reason being that men didn’t want to leave their wives behind to go to battle, which anyone that has ever read anything about the period would know to be BS. Going to war was an honor, bigger than any other; men lived for battle… or something like that. Maybe Claudius was gay, or maybe ugly and no woman would ever willingly be with him and he decided everyone else would suffer with him, I don’t know, don’t care. The point is he did it… supposedly. Still young people fall in love and become fools so they wanted to get married. So, who you gonna call?? “Catholic Bishop Valentine!”; the Catholics couldn’t not take some credit for this oh-so-wonderful holiday. (Must admit I was tempted to say Ghostbusters! lol) He would secretly marry young couples, and as soon as Claudius found out he, of course, got arrested and ordered to be executed.
While he waited in jail, he started corresponding with the jailer's daughter, fell deeply in love with her, (nevermind the fact that he was a catholic priest!) and the day he was to be beheaded, he wrote her one last note and signed it: "From Your Valentine”. (This is the part for the "Awww's", people!).
And that’s how all that mumbo-jumbo got started…
Nowdays?? Good question. Nowadays this day in the middle of February seems to have taken a greater meaning, at least for the big corporations, where you have to literally drowned people with things, be that chocolate, flowers or jewerly. The great "Come on, show her/him you care!" promotions seemed to have eaten our brains, and whether you are alone, and sitting at night crying and eating chocolate in your bed (which, really, you shouldn't!!!!) or having a romantic dinner with your love one, or passing girl/boyfriend ('cause I mean realisticly speaking no one is "forever yours"!) you are plagued by the campgains.
It's simply another day, people! In the middle of February! And don't get me wrong, I don't hate Valentine's, that would just made me bitter, I simply don't believe in it as a holiday, because as fake holidays go this is a lame one. Every single thing you do in Valentine's you can do any single day if you really wanted! You know what would be trully special? If you created your own fake holiday with your partner and said "Sweetie, next (i don't know... eh...) July, 10 is going to be our own special Valentine's! Just you and me, dinner for two, a bottle of wine and making love like never before". Sounds like a great fake holiday to me! No gifts, just us, wine and love.... maybe flowers, but just 'cause they are pretty. And no chocolate, unless its for spreading down each other, and most definitely no goddamn bear holding a fugly heart that says I heart u!
Still if you want to celebrate Valentine's then why not do something different? Something that means something to both of you instead of simply going to dinner and a movie like any other lame date. Just think about something you would love to do, make your own gifts if possible and be creative. An old crappy picture of the two of you in a park laughing in a two-dollar frame you bought at Walgreens can have much more meaning than a fancy dinner for two.
A simple gift that you have thought through, that means something besides "I stopped at the nearest jewerly and bought you sometimes within my range of money that wasn't too hard to pick, and best of all I didn't even had to gift wrapped it!", what's personal about that??? Not that I would ever turned down diamond earring but surely you could have at least wrapped it or bought a nice card IN WHICH YOU ACTUALLY WROTE SOMETHING! I hate when people hand out empty cards with just their name at the bottom. I love greeting cards, they say so much about a person. What kind of person they really are... tender, romantics, cold, distant, in a hurry last minute kind of people, etc. Great greeting cards always make me cry... *sigh.
So, basically... just make the best out of every minute, not just a single crappy day in the middle of February. Remember that memories are everything we have in the long run. So make great memories! Memories you can't ever forget! And be happy, be loving, be loved... everyday if possible.
"On stage I make love to twenty five thousand people; and then I go home alone."
Last Saturday I went out with the girls. Meaning Ivy, Bex, and me to a place call "The Shame". Great place, not full but not empty, and great happy-hour 4 bucks whiskey sours... man, I was so happy! At one point, somehow, two guys ended up at our table. I guess it kind of was our fault. You see, one of them was reaaaaally cute. So, we are all talking, meanwhile I'm doing the not-so-difficult-or-at-all math in my head. So 2 guys, 3 girls... someone is going to end up as the third wheel... Fuck! and I thought that, of course, it'll be me. Well, I don't know if I should say I was wrong or not so... I'll skip that.
We all talked a lot, it was great, we had found some very cool compatible people to hang out and we had an awesome time together simply talking about anything and drinking. So, we decided to go have something to eat, and by we I mean the girls, it was around 5am or so, and we were soooo hungry. So the guys said that, of course, they will go too. We ended up in Denny's and ordered food... yada yada yada. We were talking about something when suddenly one of the guys looked at me and said:
"You remind me of Janis Joplin"
And all I could think was: "Who the hell is Janis Joplin?", but of course, I simply said "Who? Should I be insulted?". And there it all started. So here I am, days later looking up Janis Joplin on the internet. I'm going to do a basic copy/paste thing here, my people, and simply get her biography from About.com.
Here goes:
Born: January 19, 1943 - Port Arthur, Texas Died: October 4, 1970 - Hollywood, California (heroin overdose)
Janis Lyn Joplin grew up in Port Arthur, Texas listening to the blues. In high school, she started singing them, first at coffee houses throughout Texas, and eventually in southern California and, on the opposite coast, around New York's Greenwich Village. She returned to Texas to give college a try, and became heavily involved with drugs and alcohol. She was an excellent student, but continued to be drawn to the musician's life.
Joplin had become friends with Chet Helms in Austin in the early '60s. By 1966, Helms was in San Francisco promoting groups like Jefferson Airplane and Grateful Dead. Helms convinced Joplin to move to San Francisco and hook up with a band he was managing, Big Brother and the Holding Company. After appearing at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967, the group rocketed to national prominence, and Joplin was established as a major musical star.
The band's 1968 Cheap Thrills went to #1, after which Joplin left the band and put together a backup band called Kozmic Blues Band, performing at Woodstock and releasing an album -- I Got Dem Ol' Kozmic Blues Again Mama! -- in 1969. The reception was lukewarm, and Joplin replaced the group with what became known as Full Tilt Boogie Band. Their album, Pearl, was Joplin's most successful. Ironically, it was released after her death from an overdose of alcohol and pure heroin, in 1970.
Joplin was the first bona fide female rock star, breaking the "girl singer" mold that existed in pop and folk music. She was smart and funny. Her lifestyle, her outfits and her vocal style were "over the top." She fused blues and rock in ways that were unique among both male and female singers. Although she recorded only a few albums and was not a prolific songwriter, Joplin's musical and personal style opened the door to a generation of female rock singers.
----- And here ends About.com
"I don't believe in gate-crashing. The people aren't up there when I'm sweating on a stage at a festival, breaking my ass. You can get the money [to buy a concert ticket], man. Sell your old lady, sell your dope. Look at me, man, I'm selling my heart."
So, after reading whatever I could find on Janis Joplin, I must say I do not feel insulted. I remember a time when I actually dressed kinda like that, and, although I don't get in what aspect do we look alike, I feel honored. She was a great singer, not because she had a great voice but because she sang with all of her heart.
“Being an intellectual creates a lot of questions and no answers. You can fill your life up with ideas and still go home lonely. All you really have that really matters are feelings. That's what music is to me.”
I must say, it was sad that she died so young, and so lonely. Some guy in youtube commented on this video and said something that made got me very close to crying:
Janis had been almost clean for several months before she died, she was supposed to have a threesome with two friends that night and neither of them showed up so she felt abandoned and decided to do heroin "one more time." She in fact didn't overdose so much as the heroin was way more pure than usual and her dealer didn't realize it. Drugs didn't kill her, loneliness did.
Loneliness....
So I do get the artistic side, the weird girl vibe, the weird clothes, the hairdo, the glasses, the tattoo and all her bracelets... I get the way she must have felt every single time I hear her singing. I can feel her in each note and I can see the same gesture reflected on her pictures and interviews. That one gesture I do a lot and hadn't notice, or simply I guess just realized...
I don't know, maybe I'm just looking for something we have in common, because at the end of the day she's one of those GREAT women that have walked this earth. And somehow I feel I carry her inside of me. I don't dress weird anymore, or have the bunch of bracelets that used to drive my 11th grade school english teacher mad, but deep inside, where no one is looking I feel the urge to run every five seconds, the need to be free, to go away, anywhere, and just be, to drink myself to sleep, and smoke my weight in cigarettes, and make love to complete strangers, waking up wherever without it mattering, and god! writing poetry again! To FEEL!!! Inspired, desired, loved, drunk, high, whatever!!! Just... feel. Feel anything... anything but this damn pressure in my chest every time I breath, that closes more and more around my heart, viciously taking my feelings away one by one... all expect for one, the one I wish it would take away forever.... this damn sadness inside like a big gray cloud hanging above me, always going where I'm going, and it's always been there, that's the fucked up part! Always lurking inside, the difference is that now I can control it better.
I remember my step-mother used to call it my down's, cause it could happen anywhere, at anytime. I would just burst out crying, like my life depended on it, like I had just lost the love of my life... when two seconds ago I was laughing and happy. Some people would say I was bi-polar, but in truth it was always there. Waiting for me to feel something deeply so it could get out unexpectedly. Now, I can control it a bit more. I feel it, though, walking inside me like a caged beast. But I can't let it out, even if it's the only feeling I might have left, even if it's the only thing that inspires me ... that damn beast almost killed the last time it came out. Ruling my life, taking over, inspiring me to the point of alcoholism....
I remember people used to tell me I wrote like Julia de Burgos and Alfonsina Storni. Both great latin-american poets but...
Julia she collapsed on a sidewalk in the Spanish Harlem section of Manhattan, on July 1953, and later died of pneumonia at a hospital in Harlem at the age of 39. She had disappeared in June for a friends house, where she was staying, and no one knew who she was when she died. She died alone, an alcoholic, and depressed.
And Alfonsina, well... haunted by solitude and breast cancer, around 1:00 AM on Tuesday the 25th 1938, she left her room and headed towards the sea at La Perla beach in Mar del Plata, Argentina. Later that morning two workers found her body washed up on the beach. Although her biographers hold that she jumped into the water from a breakwater, popular legend is that she slowly walked out to sea until she drowned.
So at the end, I've been compared to three of the greatest artist of all times... All dead, all in a certain way killed themselves... all were alone, and hunted by the same demon that has hunted me my whole life. My only wish? That I can contain it better. That I can let it rot inside, even if it takes my heart with it.... but then, what's better? To let it out, and pour my heart in everything, putting pen to paper and drinking myself numb? Or losing my heart? What a great question!
And I know what Janis would say:
"If I hold back, I'm no good. I'm no good. I'd rather be good sometimes, than holding back all the time."
Ok, so I've been thinking about doing shots of whiskey since this afternoon. I have a new bottle in the pantry and thought: "Well, maybe I should go outside, sit on the patio table, do a few shots and smoke while I write or think... or something". But it's too damn cold outside. And I mean, cold for me. I live in the Caribbean where it's always a freaking 100 degrees (F)or up, and going out when it's close to 70 degrees with an 85% humidity is the closest I've ever been to freezing. I know, I know... people say: "But that's like perfect weather!" and I'm like yeah, if you've lived in the north pole all your life I bet is toasty but for me!? I've lived in a damn sauna all my life, full of the hottest days ever, like I'm trap in hell!! And I'm serious if you don't have an air conditioner during the summer you will most likely go mad. And I see the tourists come here during December (because seriously there's no point in calling it winter) and they are so damn cocky, walking around in shorts and t-shirts.... Not that it's cold then, right now it's cold for me. And I'm the person that loves cold more than anyone I know. My mom gets cold so easily... Sometimes she's sitting in long pants, a long sleeve shirt, a jacket and a blanket and just by looking at her I feel like I need to take a shower! I start sweating just thinking about having that much clothes on with this weather.
The point is... it's cold but I still felt like writing so I sat at my computer and this came out... lol After writing all of this I can hear myself saying: "Really, you are writing about the goddamn weather? Have you sink that low?". Guess I have. But the thing is... this has been a great warm up. Maybe now, with all the weather stuff out of my system I can sit and write something else... Just Maybe.
I said I'll be back as soon as I was up and running, which is not exactly yet. But decided to come on in anyways. Let you know I'm okay and on my way to become the most horrible of insomniacs. Ufff.... man its so early! And I haven't been to bed yet, nor do I feel like it. But I will anyways, because that's life.
I was actually thinking about love (blame it on the fact that I'm reading a Sarah Dessen book since one in the morning) and how people say that it comes when you least expect it. Well, years ago when I was walking around looking for anything BUT love-- it never came. Now that I walk around and I don't mean to look for it-- it's not here either. I guess it has to do with the fact that deep down I've always craved love. I'm truly a romantic at heart, which not everyone knows. Most people think I'm either a goody 2 shoes, a bitch or a brainiac. Bitch is usually the one that comes up first. I'm distant and cold, I don't like hugging people and can't deal with emotions and people crying... It freaks me out and I end up looking like a statue, just froze there thinking what to do, if I should hug them or pat them in the back or what?
I like to think, simply, that I have layers and I need someone that's patient enough to go through the layers until he can find the real me. But maybe there's no REAL me. Maybe I'm just this way and nothing can be done about it... Maybe life is simply a lot of things happening at once, and so are we... Simply a lot of emotions fighting over each other in a matter of seconds, changing willingly and we can do nothing about it... Maybe.
Anyways, I've said more than I intended. Small Note my ass, eh? I'll be back as always. C ya, my lil green guys!
