Dreaming...

Ok, here goes. Last night, or once again early this morning, I was talking about relationships with someone and it kind of got stuck on me or something cause I had a dream that I have no idea if it was good or bad. You guys remember Mr. Ego? Well, he was in my dream. Which initially seemed bad, because he made me revisit even inside the dream all the emotional damage he put me trough and just seeing him I wanted to cry. The me in the dream, mind you. But first things first...

I'm sick so I was heavy on medication and spent half the day in bed, where I had like 3 dreams, including one that made no sense about 2 streets that were been attack by a green Godzilla kind of cartoon/robot monster... It was weird... so weird. Lol.



My next dream was somehow weirdly connected to the Godzilla one because we were in a shelter of some kind, and I had a best friend that looked a lot like a friend from wow, and she was a cop. So I was being lazy as usual and she was telling me to go do some exercise. So she told me where the indoor walking track was and I decided to go. Weird thing, even tough it was indoor there were cars parked at the sides of it... Whatever, the point is I get there and looked around. My eyes stopped on a guy: he had a muscular back and he was really tall, very close to 6 feet. He had on long dark blue running pants and a gray undershirt, and when he smiled at me I think I got a bit woozy. And then I realize who it was. It was Mr.Ego, granted it was a new and improved Mr.Ego but it was him nonetheless. As soon as he saw me he was by my side. I tried smiling politely and walking to the track but he merely followed me. He started telling how he was divorce, had two kids, and had re-made himself. He was a new person, serious, and caring and funny... And then he said, he never forgot about me. He became obsessed and went by my house to see if he could see me now and then but never got the courage to tell anything because he knew he had hurt me. My head was between "AAAAwwww" and "Stalker alert!". I couldn't believe the guy I had loved and cried over so much was now here telling me he had always loved me. Isn't life grand!

So he worked me basically. He got me to the side and before I had even noticed (The rational me that's looking at the dream me being a fool) we were kissing. It was lustful, passionate, emotional and all of a sudden I let go and started walking towards the track again, and the people. To where I was not alone with him, and my brain wasn't clouded. (Seems the rational me screamed loud enough!) He had that effect on me, since always, he could cloud my brain, made it foggy and unreasonable. Made me not functional, like the air in the room was never enough, and my lungs could burst at any second...

Later on the dream, cause it was a weirdly long dream, I realize he was "courting" some other girl. So one day, when he was looking at me, I went straight to her, introduced myself and invited her to get some coffee. During coffee I told her everything about him. Who he had been and was, how he used women for money, or entertainment and how he would never change because it was who he was, and who he liked being. I told her about his stalker, this woman he used for money and even called me like a 150 times during a period of 3 months or so to see if he was with me, never saying anything. Nothing creepier than a person breathing on your phone never saying anything, even if you know who it is. I told her everything I had to say... and she went straight to him and broke it off. It was my triumph, the moment in which I had finally won against him. I was the champion... but it was an empty winning.

He was still an open wound in my heart that had been cut open once again and would take longer to close, to heal. The man I had trusted a second time for nothing. He was the gray hole in my heart, the reason no man had ever been able to touch my cold heart, to get to my soul and stay put. The reason I don't trust anyone, and I'm a little bit of a bitch. The reason my body language (like my best friend says) suggests "You better get lost" even before they get close. The reason I've been single for so long... It's been 6 years since I had a boyfriend, or any other kind of meaningful relationship (and I don't mean sex). Six really long years and all because someone broke my heart into a million pieces and I haven't been able to put the puzzle back together. Well, I'm sick of it!!! That pieces better start putting themselves back on it's place because I'm sick of not been able to trust, to open myself to someone. I'm sick of laying in bed alone, and having no one to comfort me, and hug me trough the night. And I believe I deserve it!!! If he can have someone that he loves and that loves him, why can't I? I'm better than him. I was the victim and somehow the villain is the one happy! Life is so unfair...




Then again, it was all a dream... or was it?


I woke up at 3pm with a fever, a headache, and a runny nose... so you decide.

The 80s

So I was talking with someone last night, or more like early this morning, and we got to talk movies. So I gotta go and confess I love 80s movies, cause seriously I do. But it's more than just movies. I love the 80s as a very creative decade. I seriously believe I liked it so much I decide to be born right in the middle of it. Come on, who in its right mind could say they don't like the 80s? I mean, aside from the clothes part. In that sense, Madonna was a trend setter. Seriously speaking the woman had no talent what-so-ever. Come on! She couldn't sing, act or even dress properly, but she became an icon. I got to give her the fact that without talent she has survived the decades and to this day we all like Madonna, how can you not? The woman deserves it. Besides, she has gotten better with age. I think she took singing lessons, cause even if she's not great heck she's better! Her wardrobe improved too, and I think we can all say thanks for that.




But it wasn't only women. Men had a horrible sense of fashion, or more like a really bad hairstylist. Long hairs, all messed up like they just stood in front of a turbine or something; Oh god the Mullets, I know they were around since early 70s or so and lasted till the 90s (just look a Billy Ray Cyrus!!), but in the 80s there was kinda of boom for them. OMG! Please it was better to set your hair on fire!!! And then we have one I can't make my mind up about: the Mohawk, for which Mr. T is famous for, and if you just watch Major League once, you'll get why I can't make up my mind. I mean, the Mohawk arrived into the 90s and even 2000s like a rock band brad haircut, and it looks okay on some guys, others....not so much. It has even improved somehow into the Fohawk, which is the fake Mohawk lol, the one that has hair on the sides. I guess is still better than the Edward Scissorhands (1990) hairstyle era that came after.


Lol almost can hear him saying: I Pity the Fool!


Anyways... I got lost in my 80s fever. I was talking about movies of course. The 80s movies had a certain something that made us all just want to watch them even decades later. We have all had a Ferris Bueller day, watched at least one of the Molly Ringwald classics (Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles) and fell in love with Duckie (John Cryer) or Judd Nelson as John Bender (hot!!). Who hasn't seen Beaches and cried their eyes out? Do I need to go on? I mean, the titles itself bring back many memories: Mannequin, Beetlejuice, The Goonies, Laberynth, Never Ending Story, Indiana Jones, 2 of the Star Wars movies, Terminator, Footloose (or anything else that was good and had Kevin Bacon on it lol, except for He Said/She Said in 1991), Star Trek, 3 Men and a baby, Can't Buy Me Love, Private Benjamin, Just One of the Guys, etc... The list is as long as the line at the Bank on pay day. I mean, just think about your favorites movies and you'll see the 80s had it all.


BTW: Didn't Anthony Michael Hall grew up to be a total hottie!!?


80s music is still listen to also... I mean Air Supply is a classic for the romantic ones, Queen with Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Diana Ross, Metallica, Bon Jovi, Pink Floyd, Blondie, Jackson, even Elton John was kind of okay lol. Firehouse, already at the end, but its still 1989, and god I love Firehouse lol.



Music, movies, fashion, and scandals, the 80s had it all and somehow they did it better. I mean I dig the whole 70s hippie phase and the 90s weird clothes, and yeah 90210, and rap, ridiculous pants: just look at Will Smith is Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and all that but somehow... the 80s are still up there for me. The effects look fake but the actor were great even if there were some as ugly as Richard Simmons (I can still see him in that ridiculous outfit and lmao).



And on that note, I have to go... Gonna go see my favorite Christopher Lambert movie Highlander. = )

And if you haven't seen any of these movies you better cower because there's a slap coming your way...(lol) Seriously you don't know what you are missing.......

Late Night with Me - Let's talk t.v. shows

So I was watching the final season of Ugly Betty and I got very disappointed. What happened to the love confession? The final kiss? The passionate encounter we've been waiting on (at least I was!)???? I mean give me a break!!!!!!! Anyways, I've got to say that t.v. is the only place where an ugly girl could have ever gotten so many drop dead gorgeous boyfriends! I mean, I'm prettier than the original Betty, braces, bad hair and all and I've never had a Gio after me! God, I loved Gio! Ufff but the most handsome and sexier of all, at least for me, was the writer this final season Zach, I think it was. God those glasses drove me mad for like 2 hours! Remind me of a guy in one of my classes... If only...

Anyways, I'm waiting anxiously for my favorite t.v. shows to start this month. Bones, How I met Your Mother, House and The Big Bang Theory, will finally start! I want to know what happens with all my favorite characters, cause come on... I just do!

In the meanwhile, I've been watching True Blood. I really do like TB. I've read all the books by Charlaine Harris and will follow the story till it ends cause, well, I've already started... lol With all do respect do Mrs. Harris the books are good but the series is hotter, sexier and way more interesting. Still I'm waiting to see if some of my favorite book characters appear. Specially Quinn and Amelia. I'm already sick of Bill, god please do break them up already! In the book it was quite faster and I was a 100% behind that decision. They are not good for each other; not that Erik is any better but at least he's sexier.

Great casting btw, at the beginning it hit me as odd but Alexander Skarsgård (what a mouthful eh?) has improved so much! Anna Paquin is a great Sookie cause she makes her look less dumb than in the books. If I could, I would have kicked the book Sookie so many times, she's so... idiotic. Worst heroine ever... Alcide, I was sorry to see him go, and I'll be sorrier when Joe Manganiello leaves cause I've develop quite a crush! Maybe the writers will choose to leave him around longer than he should... hopefully. Hey they did it for Lafayette! Which I believe was a great decision, in the book he wasn't that important a character but when in the first season they added the whole AIDS burger scene, that was it! He was staying! Nelsan Ellis has earned the right to stay throughout the show, he's brought life to that character, literally.

Can't say I'm happy or angry at the whole Tara fiasco. In the books that was another character that I didn't consider important at all, and they've make her sooooo different. From the sexy, well dressed, beautiful Tara we got the tomboy one. She ain't pretty, nor particularly talented but she's brought some interesting drama to the series.

Sam and Jason were perfect!

Now Pam, with all do respect I think the casting wasn't bad but could have been better. Kristin Bauer is a good actress and I like her but she would have been perfect for the part 10 years ago. She looks too old to be the beautiful daughter of Erik... The dominatrix meets housewife sort of woman she has to be... She's ok, not complaining, but I did found it a bit odd. What happens if the show lasts another 5 years? She's gonna look older than Erik always... lol talk about eternal. Anyways, I don't remember if they have ever say how old was she when she was turned so, I guess it doesn't really matters....

And at the end of this commentary I most do 2 things:

1 - Apologize if anyone read this and found that I've said nothing at all interesting or useful, or even funny at all... I don't give a fuck really, but I wanted to post something and this is what came out.
AND
2 - YOU HAVE TO SEE IT AGAIN AND YOU KNOW IT!

So... I'm back

So I know I've been away for far too long but truth be told I haven't been feeling creative at all the past few months. Everything inside of me is changing. I'm becoming something different and I'm scared... I know I bitch and complain about my life and how come I'm almost 25 now and I haven't done anything with it but the truth is... I may not have a steady job (or any at all), I might still be in college and living with my mom but I HAVE change! I'm not the bohemian alcoholic anymore, or the lost poet, or even the lost girl that thought she was too ugly and invisible to actually be taken seriously.

I've been in some very dark places recently...

I have been so depressed for so long I didn't even notice I was, is that weird? I mean, I could function okay, I could go to class, eat, sleep, and do whatever I needed to do, but I wasn't doing anything I WANTED to do. Not really! I mean, yeah, I get distracted easily, I play way too much WOW, I see way too many t.v. shows and sleeping is my favorite activity in the world, but I lost my focus... I lost my soul somewhere on the way, my call... It's ironic because until recently I hadn't realize that I can do anything I want because I can! Simple! I'm one of the smartest persons I know, and when I say that is not my ego talking (ok, maybe a bit), but my logic. I have no responsibilities holding me back, no boyfriend (which is a subject I'll revisit soon) or anything else important enough to not let me move on.

AND I NEED A CHANGE SO BADLY. I need the air around me to be different, the sun, the moon, the people, the language, everything! I want to be happy again, to laugh, to party, to meet new people, to live a new life. Ironically, a friend used to read me the tarot cards a lot and they always said that I was expecting a call... and it wasn't until another friend pointed out that maybe, just maybe, it's not literally a call but THE call that I realize that I've been waiting for the universe to show me what I should do with my life, and meanwhile I've just been ... killing time, filling the void with meaningless shit.

NOT ANYMORE...

I'm actually graduating, hopefully, this semester. Getting my diploma and if everything goes according to plan: I'm moving! I think the universe has finally send me all the signs and the people I need to give me courage, and to make me want this more than anything. I want to go and I mean it. No one in my family believes me... but I can't say I blame them. When have I ever done anything I set out to do in the first place? I'm not a quitter no... just an eternal procrastinator. Guess I'll just have to surprise them. I don't how but I'm going. I need to get away from everything reliable, I need to only have me and my wit and maybe a friend to back me up. I need to be out of the nest, away from that which feels safe.... I need to get my wings, to let go, to move on.. I NEED A LIFE THAT I CAN SINCERELY BE PROUD OF!

I need a life... is that simple. And I have spent the last 2 hours crying my eyes out because a big part of me wants to stay and be here with my mom, my dad, my brother, my dog, my friends... to be able to call my dad when my car gets fucked up, or see my mom every day, or call my fiends whenever life gets sour. But I can't because so much more is out there and I want to try and grab as much of life as it would let me.

So I guess this is a Hello again to you, my little green guys whoever you are, or not. I don't really care if anyone is out there reading this or not cause the fact is I just needed to write it. And I'll try and come more often and tell ya about my horrible life, my great one, my loves and loses, and everything I can bitch or be happy about, serious or angry... because after all this is for me and me alone, and as much as I would love to have a hundred followers I can't help but think: You know what? Screw it! I can't live the rest of my days waiting for fame, it's time to go into the world and find it...

Who knows, maybe when I'm not looking it'll find me....