Deal Breakers

I was talking with my best friend the other day and we ended up talking about deal-breakers for some reason... (I brought it up, of course!) (No, you didn't!) (Girl, what ya u doing here?) (Supervising, of course. And if u remember i told ya to write another post already!!!) (Well, yeah, but deal-breakers was my idea) (Still, I helped, didn't I?) (Yeah, ur right, I should give u credit.... Well.... say Hi, Ivy) (Hi, Ivy!) (Hilarious, really.... if we were in the 5th grade!) (Fine... Hi, little green guys... and everyone else) (Uff, now can I continue?) (Sure!) (Thanks *sarcastic*)


Anyways, we ended writing down a few deal-breakers we think are incredibly bull's eye in the whole while dating no-freaking-way-thats-happenning scheme of things... or even once in a relationship. So here they are, hope u agree:




Ok, picture it: You see a cute guy across a crowded place, your eyes lock, your hooked... He comes your way, and you notice how confident he seems and what a cute butt he has and you slowly lick your lips and smile. He gets to your table, leans over and opens his beautiful mouth to talk and... FREEZE! A few things could happen now that would make you regret ever seeing the guy in the first place; some are:

1) He opens his mouth and out comes a very hi-pitch voice that says "Hey, baby. Wanna dance?" Right words, wrong voice.
2) He opens his mouth and out comes: "Daaarling, where u get that awesome shirt? I gotta have it!". Life's so unfair, ain't it???
3)He opens his mouth and out comes a shower of words at the speed of light. Damn, the guy can talk someone out of anything BUT killing him.... they guy that kills him would pull the trigger and go into a fetal position saying over and over "Silence, I just wanted silence. Silence."
4)He opens his mouth and out comes "Wanna dance?". Seems perfect so you take his hand, get out of your chair and as you start to stand you realize: You look like a giant by his side! The guy should have a sign that says: Objects may appear larger than they actually are. And yes, guys, size does matter we just say otherwise because we don't want to hurt your feelings... at least not when we are dating you, anyways.
5)He opens his mouth and out comes "Wanna dance?". Seems perfect so you take his hand and... it's like the guy has claws!!!! When a guy has nails longer than mine, something's definitely wrong!
6)He opens his mouth and out comes "Can I sit here?". "Sure". "Thanks, doll. My feet were killing me! And God, you're cute". "Thanks *blush* (if you're the kind of girl that blushes, if not just stick to thanks.)". "I could just eat you up. What you do for a living?". "Oh, I'm a teacher". "Nice. I can imagine you disciplining me, sooo hot. You want to do discipline me? I've been a very naughty, naughty boy...". You begin to be very gross out by the guy. "Are you into 3-somes? My wife would love it if I brought someone home, u know? To spice things up a bit..." Oh, hell no!!! If you are not into that stuff it's time to walk out of there NOW! If you are, for some reason, still interested well... "Sure, is your wife hot?" "Well, if you don't mind the fact that she's pregnant she's gorgeous. We have 3 kids and god how I love to see her pregnant butt scrubing the floors!!!! Barefoot and pregnant is how I love my wives" "Wives? How many do you have?" "Five"... Ok, I don't care what you like, it's definitely time to run!!!!

That's about everything that can go wrong.... well, almost everything, anyways.

If everything actually goes ok, and you end up getting a first date with the guy, here are a few things that would/could be deal-breakers.

He took you to a very nice restaurant, low lights, great atmosphere....


1) Snapping his fingers and being rude to a waiter/waitress is definitely a deal-breaker. Rude people are always rude...
2) Everything's going great, you guys are talking, smiling, and here comes the food. Now, a few things can happen, for once, he could chew like a cow and eat with his mouth open. For me, a deal-breaker is someone that casually and without asking touches my food or gets food out of my plate. The last is kind of okay if we been dating a while or I offer, but otherwise you better not touch my food!!!!!
3)One thing my friend and I agreed was that a fanatic kind-of-guy is not good. It's one thing to love a baseball team and is another entirely different thing to take your shirt off (unless you have a very nice chest) and paint your body so you can appear on t.v. acting like a fool. But the worst kind of fanatics are political and religious ones. A guy that can ONLY talk about politics, and even more boring USA politics ('cause global news are kind of interesting), all the time is not good company. But even worst is a guy that let's me know on the first day that even though I'm going to hell and he's going to heaven he's willing to try and reform me.... Or that God is big and caring and according to blah blah blah.... Someone that recites psalms and prayers instead of poetry (which if he does ALL the time is bad too) is NOT in my dateable manual.
4) If after the date he takes you line dancing or to a polka festival,unless you are interested in that shit, is kind of loser-after-date so...nope.

Now,if everything's great and you keep dating, here are so pointers to what's simply Enough!:

1) AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE!!!!! : WHEN GADGETS OR T.V. ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SEX!!! No man that's into you or in it's right mind would keep watching t.v. or playing with their new PS3 when you walk around him in a very sexy lingerie outfit, or when you just jumped him, or better just sit by his side and say casually all the very dirty things you wanna do to him, the more graphic scenes to his ear so he'll feel your hot breath in it (you can even lick him a bit...) Guys, you know this might not make any sense to some of you, but this is (and I'm almost sure of it) one of the reasons they invented pause on video games (this and of course sandwich and bathroom breaks...); and t.v. there are always re-runs, downloads and the always faithful video store so unglued yourselves from there and start showing her how much you care....
2) If he drinks ALL the time. It's okay to grab a drink every once in a while, maybe even one drink every day (why not?) but when your sweetie get's home totally wasted almost every single day something is NOT right... He might have some problem he hasn't shared with you or simply an addiction so, either get him help or get out of it before it's too late.
3) Last but not least, of course, DRUGS are a big no-no in my book. Some girls won't mind if their boyfriends smoke a joint every once in a while... I do because usually people get annoying when they're high (me included....but that was loooong ago). But any other kind of drug, like cocaine or ecstasy either recreational or serious use... I'm definitely not into that.






Hope I was helpful or funny, if not then well... I don't give a fuck!

LOL

Thanx for reading, my faithful lil green guys.... C ya soon.

Karma, dear....

I realized today that I wrote nothing about the holidays at all. I think is because I'm still in shock at the fact that I'm without deny or posibility to go back, older than I was. Not only in terms of age but in terms of experience too. I've come a long way this year:

(1) I put the past behind, where it belongs, and with it everyone that goes in it: Mr. Ego, Mr. Fuck Me, a great friend, and some others not worth mentioning.
(2) I actually studied!!! Incredible but true!
(3) I put my priorities in perspective and analized what I want out of life. Didn't got very far in the whole scheme of things but two steps closer is still two steps closer to the finish line.
(4) And most importantly I feel much more light. No more dragging around the horrible memories, the guilt and the feeling that karma was out to get me. Which I'm pretty sure karma tried a few times, almost finished me too; since I've been in about 3 or 4 accidents that were a complete wreck. I think I'm alive by mere miracle. The first one I had if I hadn't been changing the radio I would have gone out the front of the car, maybe fly a few feet. Instead I hit my head against the front mirror and was knocked unconscious. The others I don't know but somehow I felt very calmed and afterwards mad but was otherwise fine except for my car. Which was completely destroyed in the front. The third one I had, total my car. Left me with a few spasms, my chin out of place and a few bruises but otherwise ok. None else was hurt, just me. Which is why I think karma was out to get me, thank goodness it seems to be content with that, not like poor Earl...

OMG! I left the draft for this post incomplete about two days ago 'cause I had no idea where I was going with it and then today I had another encounter of the third kind, and no, I'm not talking aliens but karma. (But that would be something. Like: I was on the highway, when i saw an alien coming towards me; I thought omg, they are real, then when da light of their craft hit my car iluminating it only one thing came to mind: shit.... first u think or say it.... then u do it. . . [Lil story provided by my friend... see? I'm not that weird!)

I'm definitely karma's bitch... that sounds horrible but then again doesn't the truth always sounds horrible? Today, I was on my way to Starbucks when... Wait! Let me start by saying that it was rainning cats and dogs (not literally 'cause that'll be something!) and basically my car all of a sudden starts sliding right when I was in the left side... horrible experience. I couldn't do nothing but kind of close my eyes, hit the brakes as far as I could, hold the steering wheel firm and wait for the impact! Afterwards all I could do was laugh my ass off... I have no idea why but it was freaking hilarious! Nothing besides a fucked up tire happened but I laugh and laugh... and then went Fuck! It just hit me... I was in my mom's car!

Anyways, that goes to show Karma never forgets and apparently I'm still paying for all the fucked up things I did, all the people I hurt and all the lives I altered. Not gonna get on that now, but that's the way it works I guess... Just hope it would be satisfy soon, because I need to make this year a VERY VERY different one!


Love always,

Karma's Bitch

On Men

Okay, here IT IS! Everyone's being nagging the hell out of me to write this one. And by everyone I mean mostly every neuron or little green guy in my brain. So here goes all I know about men... Well, all I can say about men, really... Men are idiots. Don't get me wrong they are very handsome, cute, intelligent, irresistible idiots, but idiots none the less. They can be mean, assholes, and simply sadistic but then so can we. So to get on track let me start with this...

I was watching Grease 2 earlier tonight on Vh1 and after it was over I left the channel 'cause I just forgot the t.v. was on really. I tend to do that, just block it out. When I realize what happened and turned to change it, I got caught in this program called Tough Love. Woah... This guy basically took this group of mostly undateable women, not ugly though or fat which would have been much more realistic, but beautiful women that just did NOT get men. I was about to enter my resume and photo into the program, when he said something to one of the girls... He's just not that into you. That threw me off... unto another movie and the very successful book that inspired it.

Man, did I love that movie. My friends say I am so much like Gigi is unlikely. I, of course, deny it all the way. Didn't help the fact that I love that book. It helped me realize all the bullshit I have taken from men through the years and how many times I've convince myself that when they treated me like crap they actually loved me. To this day I cannot see a picture of **** without crying my eyes out. I loved that son of a bitch with all that my heart had to give, and he basically used me. That's typically Gigi, ain't it? I'm sad to say I actually lost my virginity to him, not because I loved him, not really. I didn't realize I did until much later. And we never had sex again. It's very weird but when a few weeks after he started to brag about being my first I couldn't hold my tongue and said that maybe he had been my first but he sure wasn't the last. It was mostly bravado but I was hurt. That's when it started to hurt, the realization that I gave myself to that asshole, and later on that I was so stupidly in love with him it physically hurt. It's very difficult for me to talk about this, but it's something I've had to do. I have to.

You see when I was in high school and all the girls were talking about waiting until marriage (what a laugh!) or at least until they were in love, I was the one saying I wanted to lose my virginity with a guy that meant absolutely nothing to me. Guys tend to believe that by giving them your virginity you suddenly become an eternal part of their groupies fan club or something. So I decided that that was not going to happen to me (what a freaking rof kind of laugh!). So years go by and I met 'him'. Let's call him Mr. Ego for need of a better name. Mr. Ego was handsome, we laughed at the same jokes, we could talk about history and stuff for hours and we had chemistry. And that was all in the first day we met. A friend introduced us one night in a pub. Needless to say I almost slept with him that night. I knew he wanted to, actually, and since I'm as honest as humanly possible I basically told him I would love to get out of there with him but there was something he should know: I was a virgin. Well, Mr. Ego's smile vanished and he became a changing set of colors that settle on green and gray for a while. Then he went on to tell me how I should wait for Mr. Right and save myself for someone I loved. Needless to say we didn’t have sex then. It was actually much later, but between that first night and the day he showed me his baby daughter there was a period of almost 2 years. We started fooling around and I was sooo horny all the time. I craved him, I needed him and I decided I was gonna have him!

And a long time later I did. We had become friends that when the mood strike would have benefits although not always. When he announced out of nowhere he was gonna get back together with his ex-girlfriend and he was even thinking of proposing. Even put a down payment on a ring. I’m not proud to say that was the night I lost my virginity. To this day one thing I can say is that I’ve never seen a cuter, rounder, most perfect butt naked. He was so handsome… He made me laugh, he tried to make it the least painfully possible, and it worked. It wasn’t until later that I realized I had come to love the motherfucker with all my heart. Even knowing he didn’t love, knowing what kind of guy he was, that he was a liar, a cheater, kind of a gigolo and worst of all a guy that would never grow up. But he had the cutest dimple, the cutest ass and the most deadly smile. To this day it breaks my heart thinking about it. Years later he would apologize to me, me crying like an idiot while he tried to say what he thought he needed to say. Basically that he was sorry because he used me knowing he could never loved me like I loved him. In my heart I don’t think I’ve ever forgive him. He still calls from time to time. I recently changed my number.

After that men became a series of one night stands and very secret affairs. I didn’t want a relationship but I wanted sex. I’m not proud to say I had affairs with men in relationships, almost married, and even participated in more than one person at a time kind of affairs.

Then one night I went out with the girls and met this guy. Let’s call him Mr. Fuck Me, 'cause it just goes sooo right! Mr. Fuck Me thought himself the most amazing thing to have ever been created, even better than coca-cola (like anyone can compete!). He actually looked perfect at first, like all shiny objects. He was tall, blonde, sporty, had a great smile and was nice. He and I started talking on the phone a lot. I was almost in love… then something actually happened. I felt used and dirty and afterwards I couldn’t get him off me… He would call me every weekend to talk dirty to me. Offer me sex and, basically, made booty calls. It became intolerable. Worst part? For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to put an end to it. Then this last year, I entered his car one last time. And told him, straight to his face that that was going to be the last time I would ever do something like that. Because I hated myself every time I was with him. I hated myself for not been able to say no to him. He said I shouldn’t hate myself that this was good for both… Bullshit! It was good for him. He got a once in a while screw with someone he knew and that when he needed her she was there. I actually was his goddamn friend! I believe I was the only friend he had. I helped him time and time again and he never even acknowledged that I had feelings. This was a guy that was so shallow he would have never ever in a million years had a public relationship with me. Oh, he could screw me, which he believed in itself to be a price, but he couldn’t introduce me to his friends or take me out once! He didn’t touch my heart; he touched something worst, my soul shattering desire to not be alone anymore. That was the truth of it. Another reason to change my phone number.

So maybe I am Gigi, or at least I was. I bought the book last year and read it, lend it to my best friend so she could read it and then have her tell me every time I became a bit unrealistic: “He’s just not that into you”. For example, I met this guy one day. He appeared out of nowhere and started talking to me. I liked him and he worked at my favorite starbucks, so I had seen him. After that, we became friends, exchange phone numbers and well... that was it. He never took the next step. I started making excuses for him and then my friend looked me straight in the eye and said: “Darling, he’s just not that into you!”. That did it. I saw what she had seen and I just overlooked. It was that simple. So, after a while I just forgot all about him. We did become friends and in the process I realized I wasn’t that into him either!!! Weird thing? About 2 weeks ago, this is months if not a year since we met, he actually asked me out. I felt like laughing! He asked me out and I, very politely, declined. I need a man, not a guy that would wait a year to ask me out. I mean, like the author said, if he was interested but had other stuff well he can say I’m interested I just want to take things slowly, hopefully of course not THAT slowly. But he didn’t, I moved on. That was that.

Anyways, what I know about men is that there are two kinds of men. (1) Straight forwards and (2) the ones that go around and around until they are sure they want to attack. The second ones are the hardest to figure out. You think, sometimes know, they are interested but you are not sure when, how, or simply IF they are ever going to let you know! Like, maybe you think they are interested and he just thinks of you as a friend. There are the kind of guys that actually care about peoples feelings so they are gonna have a hard time letting you down. And of course, there are the kind of guys that are just making sure they know you, the real you, and it’s that real you what they actually want, and desire. Some are just looking for the legendaries deal-breakers (That’s another post I promise to do)....

At the end, all I can say about men is that I’m as clueless as I’ve always been. Less naïve, less innocent, and a bit more confident in what I want. But at the end, I believe that even that which we know is a mistake, like trying a relationship with a guy that we know is not gonna work out, we just have to do it. It’s necessary so that we won’t spend the rest of our lives thinking what if. Mistakes are a big part of who we are… We need to make the mistake, try to kiss the frog, declare cured a never healed heart, and with eyes open, and seeing the most horrible defects on men accept them for who they are. That’s after all what love is all about. Love for me is about having who to call after a hard day at work, or who to hold when your world is crumbling down. It’s about someone to talk to all night, or simply protect. It’s about having someone that knows your darkest, deepest and most horrifying secrets and defects and just smiles and kisses you. Love is about intimacy and intellect. About communication and the power to be yourself without inhibitions. Love is just love, if you have it cherish it for as long as you do.

And men are men, there’s no way to change that. But let’s face it, at the end we need them to be just the way they are. We wouldn’t want them any other way…