Realistic Love Stories: Buckteeth and Pancakes

 

A few years ago, I remember it was Christmas night – the 25^th – when I was driving back home from my father’s house after a family get together (ain’t those always fun?), and called up a guy I had been seeing for a few weeks. He was the ugliest guy I have (to this day) ever dated, and I’m not kidding. He had buckteeth, glasses and was shorter than me by an inch – and if you ever saw me you would know that’s incredible difficult since I’m 5’2”. But he was one of those guys that had a really sad story, the kind of story that made you want to console him, hug him and help him put his pieces back together. Plus, he was smarter than most guys I had ever dated and had a huge… heart. (What did you thought I was going to say?)

So, he proposed we met at the local Ihop. I’m not a big Ihop fan but I love pancakes, so that was okay by me, especially considering it was around two in the morning. And I remember talking for hours, feeling nervous about whether or not I looked pretty enough without looking like I had tried to hard – considering I was just visiting family – and eating a great stack of pancakes while feeling a bit guilty as I did. I remember talking about everything, anything or nothing in particular, just browsing through topics like we had nothing better to do or nowhere better to be.

He was older than me by a few years but we connected like kindred spirits. We even talked about past lives and actually believed that we had to have met at some point in at least one. And I always believed, even though it sounds silly and I never told anyone before, that if we did he most surely broke my heart.

The thing I remember most clearly it’s his smile, so big and easy, never minding his buckteeth. He was so sure of himself, so sure of what he wanted out of life. I guess that was his most attractive feature in my eyes, because I was the total opposite of that. I was so insecure, so afraid of life and what might happen tomorrow that I never stop to smell the flowers, as they say. I passed… like a shadow of a person, winning hearts for a short time, collecting friends I would abandon in a few years and men I would sleep with once or twice and discard not because I didn’t like them – I never went to bed with a stranger, always a friend, someone I trusted and liked – but because I was so afraid of commitment, of belonging somewhere and loving someone. Because opening my heart meant to let the good and bad things in, and I wasn’t willing to take that risk.

And I keep thinking, how stupid we are when we are young – or should I say younger? – to believe that everything has to be connected. We can’t simply meet someone randomly and find out we actually have stuff in common. We think that the planet aligned and made it possible for us to find each other, not only on this life but in all others. Or at least, I used to. Of course, the cynicism and pessimistic side of all was always there. Simply thinking it had not ended well before, fathom that it will not end up well again. So, basically, I was setting myself up for failure.

 The saddest part is that, at this point in time, I can’t even remember his name and back then… Back then, he was the love of my life.

Small Note #12: Update

So, I accomplished most of my goals for this year. I'm not a millionaire, granted, but I have a job, I'm happier than I've being in a very long time, got my new clothes, paid off my credit card, got myself a Kindle AND the Cataclysm expansion, and I am a stronger, and lighter person. So, I just thought I'll let all my green guys know I'm okay... See ya next time!

Afterwards

So where do we go now

That life became this way?

What to do we do now

That love has walked away?

‘Cause I see your face

In every place I go.

I see your eyes

Sparkling like before.

And as time moves on,

I can’t help but remembering your voice

Every time the rain falls.

So where do we go now

That life became this way?

What to do we do now

That love has walked away?

Can we rescue the past?

Or should we walk away?

Here I stand, asking again.

Where do we stand

When everything goes gray

And we don’t know where the colors went

Or how to fight for what just seemed to die… die, die, die….

Forgotten pain.

Tears of glass,

So many ways,

To fight for what we had,

 And we let it there….

 Dying… dying as the autumn passed.

So where do we go now

That life became this way?

What to do we do now

That love has walked away?

Can we rescue the past? Or should we walk away?

Should we walk away?

Moving On

We should start from scratch

And build up what we never had

Repeat the story that we shared

Up until the truth comes by.

I have no trouble seeking trouble

It always seems to find

The perfect place to hide

Inside my troubled mind.

And I would love to hold you tight

But it’s not in my gens to fight

For something that will never be

For something that doesn’t exist.

So, let’s move on from here

Find the place where we belong

I let you free, my soul

Free to share yourself

In any ways you can express.

You can go find someone

Someone else

Someone that shares

The same regard you have for her.

Go find someone

That loves you more,

Someone more like her.

We can repeat the story,

Repeat it again and again,

And it won’t changed the fact

That I loved you in my own way.

I trust my soul,

And that’s enough,

For I live life as it comes

Without regrets, mistakes or falls.

You can try to break me down,

Make me fall when you’re around,

Make me miss you in my heart

But it won’t change the fact

That I had you for a while.

So, go ahead, my sweet

Find someone else.

I wish you do succeed

Because I want you to be happy

Even if it’s not with me.

Go find someone else,

Someone more like her

That can give you what you want

What my heart couldn’t share,

Even if it’s breaking... as you walk away.

Small Note # 11: Staying

Sometimes as life moves forward, people get left behind…

That’s the way life works, I guess. I’m not very good at being rejected, not very good at being ignored, it angers me, it makes me sad and weird all at the same time. I get anxious because the truth is I don’t get why someone would ignore me. And that’s not my ego talking. I just happen to think I’m a great person and I deserve better. Then again, I’m a bit angry at the moment and sounding bitter. I’m confused, that’s all. But I’m not going anywhere, I have no plans of running, I have no exit planned… I’m staying. I’m facing the truth and trying to clean the air… I’m doing what I can to be brave. So, who’s the coward now? 

The Truth

 Ok, so I’m a jealous person by nature, I can admit that much since I’m not shy about my defects. And I know most people would say that jealousy is based on insecurities; sure, why not? I’m also insecure, who isn’t? But that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. The thing is, well, I’m a jealous person, but only with the people I really care about. My friends are the main focus of my jealousy, simply because they are there and in some small space in my derange mind I’ve already put my stamp on them, my very own and invisible sign that reads “Shera’s Property”.  Consciously I know they are not and I’m usually well behaved. I’m actually recovering from jealousy, like a disease that consumed me for a very long time. I’m not jealous anymore, at least not in the way people think I am.

What some people know and I’m okay with saying is that I’m also kind of an egocentric person. I like to be the main subject, to capture all the attention and when I don’t… well, that’s when I get annoying. I like to talk about myself, like any sane woman, and I like feeling cared for. I like to know my friends love me even after knowing all of this. Because I know their defects and I love them, isn’t that the way love’s suppose to be?

But why am I talking about jealousy? you may ask. Truth is I feel the need to explain myself. Something happened a few days ago, something bad that changed the chemistry within the group somehow. I had a friend’s birthday party and truthfully I was psyched. It promised to be a great party and we were supposed to have a great time. But when I got home to get ready, I started to feel bad. I had an intense pain that stayed with me throughout the night. I tried to be brave, I tried drinking my ass off to see if maybe it numbed the pain, I tried distracting myself by dancing, and it seemed to work… until I sat on a chair. That was it. That did me in and all of a sudden the pain in my ovaries plus the fact that I was drunk seemed to do a number on me. I felt horrible! Everyone thought I was angry, though… that I couldn’t control my feelings. Heck, I was crying… sure, I was. I was in pain, damn it! And no one seemed to want to leave me alone! No one seemed to understand… then again, how could they when I hadn’t said anything? They did ask if I was okay, but I wasn’t about to say in front of a whole group of people I didn’t know that I had menstrual pain. Ironically, I’m doing it now.

After the party I went to the bathroom to change and when I came out, my friends were gone; all but one and the birthday girl that stayed behind to clean. So, feeling abandoned for what were supposed to be some of my closest friends I sat in my car for some five minutes crying my eyes out, ‘cause I was so drunk, so frustrated by everything that I had no idea how the fuck to get out of the damn parking lot. The remaining friends saw me and forced me out of the car, I didn’t fight much ‘cause I knew I was in no condition to drive.  And then, I got angry. I was so angry that they had actually left me there, caring only about themselves and having a good time, that I think I started to boil. My head wanted to explode and everything went numbed. I was angry as fuck!

So after everything was cleaned and we finally caught up with them I wanted to kill them for making me feel like shit. So I went on bitchy mode… not the best move, but hey, that’s me. And then, I realize everyone thought I was jealous. Jealous! That made me even angrier. The fact that they couldn’t see what had happened, that they were not paying attention, not interested… that was like a very low blow for me. And I get why they would think that, given the situation and everything that’s happened, but the truth is, I wasn’t jealous, probably because I was so mad that jealousy never even entered my brain.  

And I wanted to get all of this out of my system because we haven’t had a chance to talk. I haven’t had a chance to explain myself. And say everything I felt, how it hurt me that when I said to one of them I’m not feeling okay, he, with a very “I-don’t-care” attitude, told me to leave then; or how he automatically took me out of any plans, or changed the ones that were set. And I don’t care about those things, I cared about the way they were said. The way they were done. I’m a very sensible person underneath any bitchy attitude I may have… they know that. I have abandonment issues, and they should know that too. Which is one of the reasons I got angry with one of them before, when he never came to pick me up when he said he would. I felt abandoned then, I felt abandoned now.

And the thing is that since, I felt a chill. The frozen smile, the cold attitude towards me, the empty kiss on the cheek, the lack of a hug when we say goodbye, the lack of friend-like behavior. I’m getting the cold shoulder… and it hurts me because I don’t think I deserve it. I think I’m a great friend, the kind that would never leave one of them drive if I know they’re drunk, the kind of friend that would never leave any of them stranded anywhere, the kind of friend that would give everything she has, doesn’t have or would ever have for them, at their disposal to use as they need. Because my friends come first, sometimes even before family, because my friends are the family I chose to have, the ones I chose to share my life with.

And I think they should know that… you should know that, because I don’t think you do.

Losing you

So, I wrote this poem... Eh, here goes:

I’m counting up the ways that I can forget,

Looking for a way I can escape,

The reality of losing you

After everything was said.

We were always so different

Never saw eye to eye,

Always bumping heads.

But when it came to loving,

We could forget everything else.

And now, look where we are

In a daze of indifference,

Trying to understand the dizziness

In each other’s weights.

You tongue lost its wetness,

My heart forgot to skip,

My body is not calling yours anymore,

When the night gets cold feet.

My lips are cracking,

On the winter hearts,

And my hair has no need

To be pulled to your arms.

And I know this letters,

Have no meaning for you

But I need to express

The downfall of losing you.

Because as the years go by,

I get crazier and crazier

Seeing you standing around

Like a shadow in the sleepless hunger

Of my tearful eyes…

And I remember your kiss,

Like the lost fountain of my youth

So, tell me how the hell I can forget you

When every memory I have

Reminds me of the nights I spent in your arms?

We’re not us anymore…

But who is?

Can we forget that the passion is gone?

Can we pull our hearts again close?

Can we hug in the night and forget what was lost?

And as you walk out the door,

And tears fall down my collarbone,

I rush my head thinking,

Counting up the ways to forget,

Looking for a way I can escape

The reality of losing you

After everything…

After everything was said,

And right before you ended up dead.

Friend Zone

I was having coffee with a friend the other day and somehow we ended up talking about how relationships begin. At some point he (because it was a HE), turned to me and said that some men use friendship like a hook. If they realize the woman they like is not that interested in them they would simply become her friend. They would listen to her, console her, and just be there for her. Odd part??? It seems to actually work!!! Not all the time, mind you, but it does. Mainly because usually the woman in question starts thinking about how nice and sensitive they are. Then, one night, when some asshole breaks her heart, she suddenly looks at him through her tears and realizes "He's kind of cute!" too.

Then again, entering that space where reality collides with the fiction of "no feelings openly expressed in this area" known by many as the Friend Zone, is a risky gamble. Specially for women. Men have used this technique many times before and about 40% out of those get out with the winning of a lifetime. Women, on the other hand, usually lose. (20 out of 100 kind of odds) And this is mainly my friends and personal experience talking. So it's not simply observation! And the thing is that when you are a woman interested in a man and decide to enter the Friend Zone you do so expecting one result but knowing deep down that it'll probably never work.

Truth is, and this is something my friend as part of the masculine sex in their 20's to 30's confirmed, usually when a man gives you every hint that you two are simply friends he's just not interested! He might like you, or hanging out with you, he might even think you are interesting but somehow, even all that put together isn't enough!

I think that's the greatest difference between men and women when it comes to this subject. At the beginning we might not like you but as we get to know you that can change... Men, on the other hand, usually don't change their opinion. It's easier that way, the relationship would be ruin, I don't find her that attractive, or maybe simply something as simple as bad timing - are all the most common of excuses. But the simple truth is, using a phrase from a book I love by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

And that's okay! It is! Because we are all different and simply because I might like you doesn't mean you have to like me. The important thing is to realize he's not into you sooner than later and MOVE ON. (Believe me, you don't want to be around when he dates, sleep or gets serious with some other woman). And you should listen to me on this, because the truth is that I give great advice... I might not follow it myself, but that's just because I'm incredibly stubborn. I refuse to give up until I SERIOUSLY have to. But do not be like me! Save yourself the heartache and move on. 'Who knows? Maybe when he sees I'm interested on someone else..." Don't kid yourself and stop making up excuses. Do it for YOU and no one else but YOU!

Break free of the Friend Zone and look for someone that would rip the space time continuum for you and not the other way around!!!

Small Note #10

-Hope is the dream of a waking man- Aristotle


I just wanted to close the chapter about my illness. I do not have cancer, just in case anyone is ever interested, but I do have something called Endometrial hyperplasia, which I'm treating. I'm also losing some weight. I would like to say I'm happy because I am... kinda; at least, about some stuff but at the moment I feel shitty so... Promise I'll be back soon.

On Neighbors, Nerves and ... Cleaning?

Ok, I'm all done. I actually cleaned the whole house out of pure boredom. Vacuum going loud at two in the morning, which is why is a good thing I already hate my neighbors and also that the feeling is mutual. At least I hate those I know, which aren't that many because seriously I hate getting to know people, specially people that can come asking for stuff to borrow or to ask dumb intrusive questions.

I have this one neighbor I like to call "the bitch from hell" or BH for short. She is the most intrusive person I know, always asking me questions, gossiping about people I don't even know and spying on whatever I do. Man, that woman's nosy! And she's not even your typically annoying old lady. No, she's actually in her thirties, has a nice job, great house, nice enough husband (he's actually nicer than her maybe because he's kind of chubby), no kids and still she finds time to annoy the hell out of me. Oh, and her husband might be nice but he's in my black list as one of the worst neighbors of all time. He spends his time apparently fixing some bitchy sports car and oiling his motorcycle. For a chubby guy with an office job he's surprisingly hip or so he thinks. He smokes more than me, drinks beer almost every single day and believes himself an amateur mechanic. Men get so weird as they approach their forties... Worst part? He wakes me up with the noise from his motorcycle every single Saturday morning at around 9am! I mean, it's Saturday! Please, dude, let me sleep!!!! The only reason that I like him more than his wife? At least he knows he's annoying. He manned up to it a while ago. Apologized because he knew it must be horrible having to listen to his motorcycle late at night or early in the morning. Doesn't mean he'll stop though so he stayed on the list; which means I get to: kill him with my eyes, close the garage door after looking at him angrily and all but giving him the finger, and ignore him every time I see him.

Another neighbor from hell and my top 3 in the black list: my back door neighbor. This guy wakes me up every Sunday morning and seriously if I wanted to be up at 8am every Sunday I would go to church with my dear mother and I don't, specially since I became old enough to say "I don't want to go", and seriously I don't want to be up Sunday's at 8am unless it's because I still haven't been to bed. Oh, I haven't said how or why he wakes me up. He washes his car every Sunday, that's why, and how, well, he plays his radio very very loudly while he does that little chore. And you would think he could wait until, at least, 11am to wash his car but apparently he goes on a freaking parade every Sunday afternoon because he HAS to do it early in the morning. People and OCD's, I swear. Thing is my window is basically a few steps from his house which means from his car and his damn radio. I've been getting major headaches every Sunday for years now and the worst part is that my body seems to be so use to it; to the point where even in those very rare occasions when he doesn't wake me up, whenever I do wake up I do so with the same damn headache.

Anyways, I know I said I'll be back with a post about well... cancer and stuff but there's been so much sickness lately. I found out some very sad and horrible news about a friend, my mom might need an operation, my father has been diagnose with diabetes, and my step-mother might have a tumor. So, I didn't felt like talking about all the sickness, ironically I just did. Anyways, I'm waiting patiently and simply going to do everything as usual until I do the biopsy and get the results. I'll keep you guys posted on that. I'm still nervous though and I bit fingernails until they hurt and then some but... well, I think I'll try and go to bed now. It's 4: 52am here and this is me signing out. Good night, fill-the-blank-with-your-state!