The Master Plan

So here it is... The what, when, who, how and why... The master plan of life, success, love, and happiness... The master plan is here. Come get it, its free! It's the ultimate page of the ultimate plan, the perfect score, the perfect coming, the reason for all that is and will be. Come and get it, it won't last much longer! It's the master plan of faith and hate, of anger, revenge and a little thing call sweat. Come get it now, don't wait more, longer, for whatever you are losing in the finding! Come and get your mortality check rate, that which makes you human, that which makes you whole... Come, you won't regret it, no! It's the greatest of the great, the perspective of all... just look in this box and you shall see that which is inside of you! That which makes you be! Come and get it! Come and get it! You can see it, touch it and take it home with you! It's the truth of the truth, the weight of the spirit, the angelic face of temptation... Come and you shall change!

But I must warn you that what you'll see here... that which could appear before you, might scare you deeply, to the core... 'cause the truth is never what we expect, it's not necessarily what you want. So you are warned, my friend, that everything you see, the pools of the colors, the amorous nature of the being, the dominant condition of life, and the sweet, juicy temptation would try to fool you into running away... Away from the secret, the secret of life, the secret of being, the secret plan of the master plan of the incongruous nature of self. So, if you see the devil in there do not run, do not move, do not scream... be patient and the light will follow... Everything is balanced in the plan, good and bad together... they form the you that you are, have or will be.

Do not run... but come, come get it, come see it, come find it now! 'Cause you deserve it, cause you know it, deep down you know what it is you'll see... So look now, look deep... the reflection never lies and in the pool of your eyes is the window to the soul. Look deep, my dear... Find that which you are suppose to find, to lose, to cherish, to die for. Find yourself and you will have found the plan, the master plan of life, love... the perfect and yet so imperfect plan of ... of whatever you want it to be. Look deep... and come and get it... come, come, come... Don't waste more time, my sweet... It's there!!!! There, there! Look, look now or you shall miss it! Look before it leaves... slowly flying in the wind...

Come... You won't regret the charge... and maybe, just maybe you'll come back again to see if the plan, that master, ultimate, perfect plan hasn't change... 'Cause between you and me, the secret is it does... it changes every day, every hour, every minute, every second you hesitate... So don't! Just open the box... open it, get what's inside, but first you have to look in, to search with your eyes in your eyes... And then you shall be.

Just passing through...

Just passing through...

Through a lot of places... moments.... a lot of persons... fates... holidays... aspirations... stress... simply a lot of everything.

So I was going through a place and saw this two poems... poems I love and that every time I read them I just feel... that's it, I feel. They move me in a way not many things do. So I decided to share them with you, my lil green faithful guys.

I know I haven't been around for a while and that I might never be here for you... but I do remember. I just feel I have nothing that I really want to say. So today, that I'm feeling pretty much okay and still a little bit sad I wanted to share these beautiful poems.




I CARRY YOUR HEART WITH ME BY E.E. CUMMINGS

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
My heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
By only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear
No fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
No world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
And the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
Higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)





ONE ART BY ELIZABETH BISHOP

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.




Hope you like them, greeny... And excuse the paintings, not great but then again... they were merely doodles of a lost brush. No worries, I found it... I think.

Saying Farewell

So, a friend (Bex) was leaving today for air force training and we decided (meaning Ive, Alexis and me) to throw her a farewell trip on Saturday. A trip to wherever she or us wanted to go. We started out by buying a few things, or so was the point. We ended up buying more junk food than we could eat in one single day. But you know what they day, never go to the supermarket when you're hungry...





So we got in the car and started driving. Mind you we had no idea where we were going, not really. There were a few so-so ideas and a few omg i can't believe you really want to do that ideas. At the end, we decided to go fly a kite. And no, I'm not kidding. We headed to one of the historical sites here and bought 3 kites, cause Bex already had hers (yeah, it was her idea, how could we say no?) and headed to the big grass field in front. If you remember from my previous posts I AM NOT SPORTY at all, not by nature or otherwise. So, I finally got my kite flying after what seemed like two and a half decades later and started running a bit to keep it up in the air... and like everything that goes up it came crashing down what looked like a mile away. So i started pulling on it very calmly, I'm in no hurry... and all of a sudden I feel like little tickling things running through my feet. I had stopped just on top of an ant colony and they were bitting me for basically having killed some of their relatives and destroying a few of their landmarks in the process, it seems. So I started running like a chicken without a head across the field to where my friends were, of course they have no idea what's happened cause they can't see me, and I almost fell close to five times since the grass was slippery due to rain and mud. I would have looked so cute all stained with mud eh? Yeah, well... =P

The sky turned gray and that's when we knew it was time to go.



So we decided to go eat, right? Cause we hadn't eaten enough junk food yet; and everyone says well we want pizza. We had two options of course, a place close by or one far away, and being us and all we chose the one far away....

Long story short? We ended up lost somewhere in what looked like a creepy country side and very much out of a horror movie. It was getting dark and we all started to get very nervous. Of course, it's not like I'm planning on picking up a hijacker or stopping in a motel for the night. We were just passing through. But Alexis, who was driving, had to pee. There is always one of those in ever horror movie. You know, the one that has to do something stupid like stopping in the middle of nowhere to take a leak. Thank goodness we found a small eating/drinking place close by. There were at least 10 people in it, so still a bit nervous, we decided to stop, have a drink, use the bathroom and go, not before asking for directions. Turns out we had been going the wrong direction all this time!



(The place we ended up in)

And that was about all we got from the directions someone gave us. So after changing or facebook status from We are lost to We are freaking lost!, we decided to just go with the flow, so to speak. Which is how we ended up in traffic on a Saturday night!




When we finally got on track and got to the place we intended to go to, it was too full! Way too many people, cars everywhere and we ended up stopping at a freaking supermarket that was just in front the pizza place. So we get back in the car and said Now what?

And out comes the magnificent idea to go back to where we were initially and just go for sushi. Thank goodness we already knew where we were and how to get there without getting lost. The first plus of the night, lol.

So we got there, no problem, ordered sushi which was awesome!!! Some plum wine, some sake, and the night became young once again.



Afterwards we went to our favorite irish pub, had some beers, talked a lot, and read our futures on the wooden table....


All in all a great night!

Fatal Attractions

So I was watching Fatal Attraction today, mostly because I was curious since I had never seen the movie and when I realized it had Glenn Close in it I said I had to. She's a great villain, neurotic or otherwise. So I started to watch and come half of it I didn't know if I liked it at all. I mean, believe me I get Fatal Attractions, every woman does I believe, and I get that it's Michael Douglas, cause come on he's hot... or he was. The point is that all I wanted to do was smack the woman. There's crazy people out there to be sure, but damn! Get some pride! So you had an affair with a married man and now he wants nothing to do with you... that's kinda the rule for affairs! It's an affair not a commitment! You had a weekend of screwing each others brains out and now well you say goodbye and move on. Seriously! I've been there, not too proud to admit, but I have. You don't cry, or try to kill yourself and/or least of all go psycho! And the woman got very psycho!!!! I got to give it to her: she was smart as fuck, but nonetheless psycho. I have a friend that would fall in love... seriously he only dates psychos. I think is an actual requirement for him, lol.



Anyways, the point is... Women need to have more pride, one. Men shouldn't have affairs if they actually love their wives, two. And most important there's a lot of psychos out there with the faces of innocent angels. This world is a very fucked up place and there's nothing we can do about it, truth be told. Yes, we can try and be more humane, better persons, protect the environment but in the end there's still going to be a lot of fucked up people in this world.

Just yesterday there were two cases on tv that surprised everyone. One was the case of a guy that after 17 years or so found his mother. And you would say, awww how cute, yes, but the really fucked up part is he was having sex with her! His wife found out and wanted him to admit it, and of course, to get a divorce. According to the psychologist is a syndrome that happens with family members that because they didn't lived together for many years don't develop a sense of... familiarity lets say. Meaning that if you never lived with your mother or haven't seen her in 15 years and happened to one day see her crossing the street you might think of her sexually as a woman, not your mother. There's also something called genetic attraction which means that you feel empathy with a person that shares your DNA and sometimes if the above mention happens it only helps to make stronger the attraction.

I get the whole rational explanation, and I would totally understand if for example you were adopted and had an affair with an older woman that turned out to be your mother... ok, it would be gross but you had no idea. But knowingly sleep with your mother, father, brother is something I don't get. I do believe that it's ironic that religion is death set against incest. If the myth of Adam and Eve is true for one thing it means that there has to have incest for them to populate the earth... Adam would have had to sleep with his daughters; brothers and sisters wouldn't really get much of an option (just like poor Eve), etc... So we are supposed to believe they just magically populate the whole world!? Don't be absurd! And he have to remember that in the older ages that wasn't something to be frown upon. Pharaohs married their sisters, and the Greek were famous for any kind of sexual perversion, just watch Caligula one of this days.

The second piece of news was even more disturbing. They had just arrested a couple for sexually molesting their six kids since the age of 4. That is even worst! And it reminded me of the famous case of serial killers Fred and Rose West.



Between 1967 and 1987, he and his wife tortured, raped and murdered at least 12 young women and girls, many at the couple's homes. The majority of the murders occurred between May 1973 and September 1979 at their home in Gloucester. Rosemary West also murdered Fred's stepdaughter (his first wife's biological daughter) Charmaine, while he was serving a prison sentence for theft. He had a daughter, Anne Marie, with his first wife and two daughters Heather and Mae with his second wife, Rosemary, which I believed to be a very ironic name for all this, after having seen Rosemary's baby and how about 12 years after the incidents it's believed that they used to worshiped the devil. Anyhow Rosemary came from a family where incest has common; Rosemary's father, Bill Letts, with Fred's approval, would often visit their home to have sex with Rosemary.

In October 1972 the Wests hired 17-year-old Caroline Roberts as the children's nanny. She rejected Fred and Rosemary's advances into their "sex-circle" and left a few weeks later, so on 6 December 1972 the Wests invited her to their home, where they both raped her. Fred allowed Roberts to leave the next day only after she promised she would return as their nanny. Roberts reported the rape to police but withdrew the accusation when the case came to court. The Wests pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of indecent assault and were fined £50.

In early 1973, the Wests took eight-year-old Anne Marie to the cellar, where they bound and gagged her before West raped her while Rosemary watched. In 1979 Anne Marie became pregnant by West, but the pregnancy was terminated as it was ectopic. Unable to cope with her father any longer, she left home; West now began abusing Heather, who disappeared a few years later.

And this is just the beginning of the story...* They had so many victims, so many people that suffered and died by their hands. I've always found the levels of society's depravity quite interesting. It's sad, yes, but what could have possible move this people to do what they do...? I mean, why? That's the nagging question...


But this is not the only case like this as we all know. There has been hundred and not all sexual abuses are as escalated as the Wests case. Mothers that teach their kids about sexuality using her own body, like it's the case of Zhang that sparked controversy in Wuhan, capital of Hubei Province. During a gynecological examination at the Wuhan Health Center for Women and Children. Zhang brought her son into the examination room, letting him see her body and telling him how a woman becomes pregnant and delivers. Zhang said she wanted to educate her son, a 14-year-old, correctly. Others, including doctors, said she should use better teaching methods. And I'm with the doctors on this own... I get that your son might see you naked at some point, of course, doors open, and we are not always dressed; but I don't think it was necessary for her to do that. It's too much sexual a thing for a kid... even if it didn't involved abuse.


Even grandmothers that have sex with their grandsons, like the case of a 72 year old grandmother Pearl Carter and her 26 year old grandson, Phil Bailey.



They met for the first time in 2006, because she had given his mother's up for adoption when she was 18, and they had a sexual spark. He found her attractive (I have no idea why) and vice-versa. She says that after the 3rd week of seeing her grandson she couldn't deny her attraction and called him into her bedroom, sat him down, and kissed him. Since then they became lovers and were looking for a surrogate to have a kid. What crazy woman would carry that kind of baby? Well, if they had offered me 54,000 bucks I believe I would have most likely said yes too. The difference of course, is that in this case they are consenting adults, so some might argue it's not abuse, but at some point I believe it's a kind of emotional abuse. Genetic Sexual Attraction might be there but it doesn't mean you have to act on it!


Then again, the porn industry has made millions on this kind of taboo. They exploit it to the core because as humans we are depraved by nature. Sex sells because everyone is interested in it, even if they would never say so. Sodomy, masochism, sadism, incest or any other kind of sexual taboo including masturbation that could be manufactured by the industry, any industry at that, is going to be exploit. And we know all this, and still we keep asking ourselves why....



Why? I have no idea.

Every one lives in their own world, have their own morality and each of us has an evil side full of dark fantasies and weird impulses, some just have better control over it than others.

But I ended up talking about something very different than what I initially set out to say. The main points are easy to make:

Freud and Lacan gave sexual development steps, which according to psychologist, if jumped can be trouble it seems.

Do not cheat on your wife, nothing good can come of it and if you don't believe me just watch Fatal Attraction.

And last but not least we all have a dark side... Some, darker than others.





*Note: The information on the Wests case came from Wikipedia.
"Cuentas claras conservan amistades"

Dreaming...

Ok, here goes. Last night, or once again early this morning, I was talking about relationships with someone and it kind of got stuck on me or something cause I had a dream that I have no idea if it was good or bad. You guys remember Mr. Ego? Well, he was in my dream. Which initially seemed bad, because he made me revisit even inside the dream all the emotional damage he put me trough and just seeing him I wanted to cry. The me in the dream, mind you. But first things first...

I'm sick so I was heavy on medication and spent half the day in bed, where I had like 3 dreams, including one that made no sense about 2 streets that were been attack by a green Godzilla kind of cartoon/robot monster... It was weird... so weird. Lol.



My next dream was somehow weirdly connected to the Godzilla one because we were in a shelter of some kind, and I had a best friend that looked a lot like a friend from wow, and she was a cop. So I was being lazy as usual and she was telling me to go do some exercise. So she told me where the indoor walking track was and I decided to go. Weird thing, even tough it was indoor there were cars parked at the sides of it... Whatever, the point is I get there and looked around. My eyes stopped on a guy: he had a muscular back and he was really tall, very close to 6 feet. He had on long dark blue running pants and a gray undershirt, and when he smiled at me I think I got a bit woozy. And then I realize who it was. It was Mr.Ego, granted it was a new and improved Mr.Ego but it was him nonetheless. As soon as he saw me he was by my side. I tried smiling politely and walking to the track but he merely followed me. He started telling how he was divorce, had two kids, and had re-made himself. He was a new person, serious, and caring and funny... And then he said, he never forgot about me. He became obsessed and went by my house to see if he could see me now and then but never got the courage to tell anything because he knew he had hurt me. My head was between "AAAAwwww" and "Stalker alert!". I couldn't believe the guy I had loved and cried over so much was now here telling me he had always loved me. Isn't life grand!

So he worked me basically. He got me to the side and before I had even noticed (The rational me that's looking at the dream me being a fool) we were kissing. It was lustful, passionate, emotional and all of a sudden I let go and started walking towards the track again, and the people. To where I was not alone with him, and my brain wasn't clouded. (Seems the rational me screamed loud enough!) He had that effect on me, since always, he could cloud my brain, made it foggy and unreasonable. Made me not functional, like the air in the room was never enough, and my lungs could burst at any second...

Later on the dream, cause it was a weirdly long dream, I realize he was "courting" some other girl. So one day, when he was looking at me, I went straight to her, introduced myself and invited her to get some coffee. During coffee I told her everything about him. Who he had been and was, how he used women for money, or entertainment and how he would never change because it was who he was, and who he liked being. I told her about his stalker, this woman he used for money and even called me like a 150 times during a period of 3 months or so to see if he was with me, never saying anything. Nothing creepier than a person breathing on your phone never saying anything, even if you know who it is. I told her everything I had to say... and she went straight to him and broke it off. It was my triumph, the moment in which I had finally won against him. I was the champion... but it was an empty winning.

He was still an open wound in my heart that had been cut open once again and would take longer to close, to heal. The man I had trusted a second time for nothing. He was the gray hole in my heart, the reason no man had ever been able to touch my cold heart, to get to my soul and stay put. The reason I don't trust anyone, and I'm a little bit of a bitch. The reason my body language (like my best friend says) suggests "You better get lost" even before they get close. The reason I've been single for so long... It's been 6 years since I had a boyfriend, or any other kind of meaningful relationship (and I don't mean sex). Six really long years and all because someone broke my heart into a million pieces and I haven't been able to put the puzzle back together. Well, I'm sick of it!!! That pieces better start putting themselves back on it's place because I'm sick of not been able to trust, to open myself to someone. I'm sick of laying in bed alone, and having no one to comfort me, and hug me trough the night. And I believe I deserve it!!! If he can have someone that he loves and that loves him, why can't I? I'm better than him. I was the victim and somehow the villain is the one happy! Life is so unfair...




Then again, it was all a dream... or was it?


I woke up at 3pm with a fever, a headache, and a runny nose... so you decide.

The 80s

So I was talking with someone last night, or more like early this morning, and we got to talk movies. So I gotta go and confess I love 80s movies, cause seriously I do. But it's more than just movies. I love the 80s as a very creative decade. I seriously believe I liked it so much I decide to be born right in the middle of it. Come on, who in its right mind could say they don't like the 80s? I mean, aside from the clothes part. In that sense, Madonna was a trend setter. Seriously speaking the woman had no talent what-so-ever. Come on! She couldn't sing, act or even dress properly, but she became an icon. I got to give her the fact that without talent she has survived the decades and to this day we all like Madonna, how can you not? The woman deserves it. Besides, she has gotten better with age. I think she took singing lessons, cause even if she's not great heck she's better! Her wardrobe improved too, and I think we can all say thanks for that.




But it wasn't only women. Men had a horrible sense of fashion, or more like a really bad hairstylist. Long hairs, all messed up like they just stood in front of a turbine or something; Oh god the Mullets, I know they were around since early 70s or so and lasted till the 90s (just look a Billy Ray Cyrus!!), but in the 80s there was kinda of boom for them. OMG! Please it was better to set your hair on fire!!! And then we have one I can't make my mind up about: the Mohawk, for which Mr. T is famous for, and if you just watch Major League once, you'll get why I can't make up my mind. I mean, the Mohawk arrived into the 90s and even 2000s like a rock band brad haircut, and it looks okay on some guys, others....not so much. It has even improved somehow into the Fohawk, which is the fake Mohawk lol, the one that has hair on the sides. I guess is still better than the Edward Scissorhands (1990) hairstyle era that came after.


Lol almost can hear him saying: I Pity the Fool!


Anyways... I got lost in my 80s fever. I was talking about movies of course. The 80s movies had a certain something that made us all just want to watch them even decades later. We have all had a Ferris Bueller day, watched at least one of the Molly Ringwald classics (Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles) and fell in love with Duckie (John Cryer) or Judd Nelson as John Bender (hot!!). Who hasn't seen Beaches and cried their eyes out? Do I need to go on? I mean, the titles itself bring back many memories: Mannequin, Beetlejuice, The Goonies, Laberynth, Never Ending Story, Indiana Jones, 2 of the Star Wars movies, Terminator, Footloose (or anything else that was good and had Kevin Bacon on it lol, except for He Said/She Said in 1991), Star Trek, 3 Men and a baby, Can't Buy Me Love, Private Benjamin, Just One of the Guys, etc... The list is as long as the line at the Bank on pay day. I mean, just think about your favorites movies and you'll see the 80s had it all.


BTW: Didn't Anthony Michael Hall grew up to be a total hottie!!?


80s music is still listen to also... I mean Air Supply is a classic for the romantic ones, Queen with Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Diana Ross, Metallica, Bon Jovi, Pink Floyd, Blondie, Jackson, even Elton John was kind of okay lol. Firehouse, already at the end, but its still 1989, and god I love Firehouse lol.



Music, movies, fashion, and scandals, the 80s had it all and somehow they did it better. I mean I dig the whole 70s hippie phase and the 90s weird clothes, and yeah 90210, and rap, ridiculous pants: just look at Will Smith is Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and all that but somehow... the 80s are still up there for me. The effects look fake but the actor were great even if there were some as ugly as Richard Simmons (I can still see him in that ridiculous outfit and lmao).



And on that note, I have to go... Gonna go see my favorite Christopher Lambert movie Highlander. = )

And if you haven't seen any of these movies you better cower because there's a slap coming your way...(lol) Seriously you don't know what you are missing.......

Late Night with Me - Let's talk t.v. shows

So I was watching the final season of Ugly Betty and I got very disappointed. What happened to the love confession? The final kiss? The passionate encounter we've been waiting on (at least I was!)???? I mean give me a break!!!!!!! Anyways, I've got to say that t.v. is the only place where an ugly girl could have ever gotten so many drop dead gorgeous boyfriends! I mean, I'm prettier than the original Betty, braces, bad hair and all and I've never had a Gio after me! God, I loved Gio! Ufff but the most handsome and sexier of all, at least for me, was the writer this final season Zach, I think it was. God those glasses drove me mad for like 2 hours! Remind me of a guy in one of my classes... If only...

Anyways, I'm waiting anxiously for my favorite t.v. shows to start this month. Bones, How I met Your Mother, House and The Big Bang Theory, will finally start! I want to know what happens with all my favorite characters, cause come on... I just do!

In the meanwhile, I've been watching True Blood. I really do like TB. I've read all the books by Charlaine Harris and will follow the story till it ends cause, well, I've already started... lol With all do respect do Mrs. Harris the books are good but the series is hotter, sexier and way more interesting. Still I'm waiting to see if some of my favorite book characters appear. Specially Quinn and Amelia. I'm already sick of Bill, god please do break them up already! In the book it was quite faster and I was a 100% behind that decision. They are not good for each other; not that Erik is any better but at least he's sexier.

Great casting btw, at the beginning it hit me as odd but Alexander Skarsgård (what a mouthful eh?) has improved so much! Anna Paquin is a great Sookie cause she makes her look less dumb than in the books. If I could, I would have kicked the book Sookie so many times, she's so... idiotic. Worst heroine ever... Alcide, I was sorry to see him go, and I'll be sorrier when Joe Manganiello leaves cause I've develop quite a crush! Maybe the writers will choose to leave him around longer than he should... hopefully. Hey they did it for Lafayette! Which I believe was a great decision, in the book he wasn't that important a character but when in the first season they added the whole AIDS burger scene, that was it! He was staying! Nelsan Ellis has earned the right to stay throughout the show, he's brought life to that character, literally.

Can't say I'm happy or angry at the whole Tara fiasco. In the books that was another character that I didn't consider important at all, and they've make her sooooo different. From the sexy, well dressed, beautiful Tara we got the tomboy one. She ain't pretty, nor particularly talented but she's brought some interesting drama to the series.

Sam and Jason were perfect!

Now Pam, with all do respect I think the casting wasn't bad but could have been better. Kristin Bauer is a good actress and I like her but she would have been perfect for the part 10 years ago. She looks too old to be the beautiful daughter of Erik... The dominatrix meets housewife sort of woman she has to be... She's ok, not complaining, but I did found it a bit odd. What happens if the show lasts another 5 years? She's gonna look older than Erik always... lol talk about eternal. Anyways, I don't remember if they have ever say how old was she when she was turned so, I guess it doesn't really matters....

And at the end of this commentary I most do 2 things:

1 - Apologize if anyone read this and found that I've said nothing at all interesting or useful, or even funny at all... I don't give a fuck really, but I wanted to post something and this is what came out.
AND
2 - YOU HAVE TO SEE IT AGAIN AND YOU KNOW IT!

So... I'm back

So I know I've been away for far too long but truth be told I haven't been feeling creative at all the past few months. Everything inside of me is changing. I'm becoming something different and I'm scared... I know I bitch and complain about my life and how come I'm almost 25 now and I haven't done anything with it but the truth is... I may not have a steady job (or any at all), I might still be in college and living with my mom but I HAVE change! I'm not the bohemian alcoholic anymore, or the lost poet, or even the lost girl that thought she was too ugly and invisible to actually be taken seriously.

I've been in some very dark places recently...

I have been so depressed for so long I didn't even notice I was, is that weird? I mean, I could function okay, I could go to class, eat, sleep, and do whatever I needed to do, but I wasn't doing anything I WANTED to do. Not really! I mean, yeah, I get distracted easily, I play way too much WOW, I see way too many t.v. shows and sleeping is my favorite activity in the world, but I lost my focus... I lost my soul somewhere on the way, my call... It's ironic because until recently I hadn't realize that I can do anything I want because I can! Simple! I'm one of the smartest persons I know, and when I say that is not my ego talking (ok, maybe a bit), but my logic. I have no responsibilities holding me back, no boyfriend (which is a subject I'll revisit soon) or anything else important enough to not let me move on.

AND I NEED A CHANGE SO BADLY. I need the air around me to be different, the sun, the moon, the people, the language, everything! I want to be happy again, to laugh, to party, to meet new people, to live a new life. Ironically, a friend used to read me the tarot cards a lot and they always said that I was expecting a call... and it wasn't until another friend pointed out that maybe, just maybe, it's not literally a call but THE call that I realize that I've been waiting for the universe to show me what I should do with my life, and meanwhile I've just been ... killing time, filling the void with meaningless shit.

NOT ANYMORE...

I'm actually graduating, hopefully, this semester. Getting my diploma and if everything goes according to plan: I'm moving! I think the universe has finally send me all the signs and the people I need to give me courage, and to make me want this more than anything. I want to go and I mean it. No one in my family believes me... but I can't say I blame them. When have I ever done anything I set out to do in the first place? I'm not a quitter no... just an eternal procrastinator. Guess I'll just have to surprise them. I don't how but I'm going. I need to get away from everything reliable, I need to only have me and my wit and maybe a friend to back me up. I need to be out of the nest, away from that which feels safe.... I need to get my wings, to let go, to move on.. I NEED A LIFE THAT I CAN SINCERELY BE PROUD OF!

I need a life... is that simple. And I have spent the last 2 hours crying my eyes out because a big part of me wants to stay and be here with my mom, my dad, my brother, my dog, my friends... to be able to call my dad when my car gets fucked up, or see my mom every day, or call my fiends whenever life gets sour. But I can't because so much more is out there and I want to try and grab as much of life as it would let me.

So I guess this is a Hello again to you, my little green guys whoever you are, or not. I don't really care if anyone is out there reading this or not cause the fact is I just needed to write it. And I'll try and come more often and tell ya about my horrible life, my great one, my loves and loses, and everything I can bitch or be happy about, serious or angry... because after all this is for me and me alone, and as much as I would love to have a hundred followers I can't help but think: You know what? Screw it! I can't live the rest of my days waiting for fame, it's time to go into the world and find it...

Who knows, maybe when I'm not looking it'll find me....

Deal Breakers

I was talking with my best friend the other day and we ended up talking about deal-breakers for some reason... (I brought it up, of course!) (No, you didn't!) (Girl, what ya u doing here?) (Supervising, of course. And if u remember i told ya to write another post already!!!) (Well, yeah, but deal-breakers was my idea) (Still, I helped, didn't I?) (Yeah, ur right, I should give u credit.... Well.... say Hi, Ivy) (Hi, Ivy!) (Hilarious, really.... if we were in the 5th grade!) (Fine... Hi, little green guys... and everyone else) (Uff, now can I continue?) (Sure!) (Thanks *sarcastic*)


Anyways, we ended writing down a few deal-breakers we think are incredibly bull's eye in the whole while dating no-freaking-way-thats-happenning scheme of things... or even once in a relationship. So here they are, hope u agree:




Ok, picture it: You see a cute guy across a crowded place, your eyes lock, your hooked... He comes your way, and you notice how confident he seems and what a cute butt he has and you slowly lick your lips and smile. He gets to your table, leans over and opens his beautiful mouth to talk and... FREEZE! A few things could happen now that would make you regret ever seeing the guy in the first place; some are:

1) He opens his mouth and out comes a very hi-pitch voice that says "Hey, baby. Wanna dance?" Right words, wrong voice.
2) He opens his mouth and out comes: "Daaarling, where u get that awesome shirt? I gotta have it!". Life's so unfair, ain't it???
3)He opens his mouth and out comes a shower of words at the speed of light. Damn, the guy can talk someone out of anything BUT killing him.... they guy that kills him would pull the trigger and go into a fetal position saying over and over "Silence, I just wanted silence. Silence."
4)He opens his mouth and out comes "Wanna dance?". Seems perfect so you take his hand, get out of your chair and as you start to stand you realize: You look like a giant by his side! The guy should have a sign that says: Objects may appear larger than they actually are. And yes, guys, size does matter we just say otherwise because we don't want to hurt your feelings... at least not when we are dating you, anyways.
5)He opens his mouth and out comes "Wanna dance?". Seems perfect so you take his hand and... it's like the guy has claws!!!! When a guy has nails longer than mine, something's definitely wrong!
6)He opens his mouth and out comes "Can I sit here?". "Sure". "Thanks, doll. My feet were killing me! And God, you're cute". "Thanks *blush* (if you're the kind of girl that blushes, if not just stick to thanks.)". "I could just eat you up. What you do for a living?". "Oh, I'm a teacher". "Nice. I can imagine you disciplining me, sooo hot. You want to do discipline me? I've been a very naughty, naughty boy...". You begin to be very gross out by the guy. "Are you into 3-somes? My wife would love it if I brought someone home, u know? To spice things up a bit..." Oh, hell no!!! If you are not into that stuff it's time to walk out of there NOW! If you are, for some reason, still interested well... "Sure, is your wife hot?" "Well, if you don't mind the fact that she's pregnant she's gorgeous. We have 3 kids and god how I love to see her pregnant butt scrubing the floors!!!! Barefoot and pregnant is how I love my wives" "Wives? How many do you have?" "Five"... Ok, I don't care what you like, it's definitely time to run!!!!

That's about everything that can go wrong.... well, almost everything, anyways.

If everything actually goes ok, and you end up getting a first date with the guy, here are a few things that would/could be deal-breakers.

He took you to a very nice restaurant, low lights, great atmosphere....


1) Snapping his fingers and being rude to a waiter/waitress is definitely a deal-breaker. Rude people are always rude...
2) Everything's going great, you guys are talking, smiling, and here comes the food. Now, a few things can happen, for once, he could chew like a cow and eat with his mouth open. For me, a deal-breaker is someone that casually and without asking touches my food or gets food out of my plate. The last is kind of okay if we been dating a while or I offer, but otherwise you better not touch my food!!!!!
3)One thing my friend and I agreed was that a fanatic kind-of-guy is not good. It's one thing to love a baseball team and is another entirely different thing to take your shirt off (unless you have a very nice chest) and paint your body so you can appear on t.v. acting like a fool. But the worst kind of fanatics are political and religious ones. A guy that can ONLY talk about politics, and even more boring USA politics ('cause global news are kind of interesting), all the time is not good company. But even worst is a guy that let's me know on the first day that even though I'm going to hell and he's going to heaven he's willing to try and reform me.... Or that God is big and caring and according to blah blah blah.... Someone that recites psalms and prayers instead of poetry (which if he does ALL the time is bad too) is NOT in my dateable manual.
4) If after the date he takes you line dancing or to a polka festival,unless you are interested in that shit, is kind of loser-after-date so...nope.

Now,if everything's great and you keep dating, here are so pointers to what's simply Enough!:

1) AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE!!!!! : WHEN GADGETS OR T.V. ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SEX!!! No man that's into you or in it's right mind would keep watching t.v. or playing with their new PS3 when you walk around him in a very sexy lingerie outfit, or when you just jumped him, or better just sit by his side and say casually all the very dirty things you wanna do to him, the more graphic scenes to his ear so he'll feel your hot breath in it (you can even lick him a bit...) Guys, you know this might not make any sense to some of you, but this is (and I'm almost sure of it) one of the reasons they invented pause on video games (this and of course sandwich and bathroom breaks...); and t.v. there are always re-runs, downloads and the always faithful video store so unglued yourselves from there and start showing her how much you care....
2) If he drinks ALL the time. It's okay to grab a drink every once in a while, maybe even one drink every day (why not?) but when your sweetie get's home totally wasted almost every single day something is NOT right... He might have some problem he hasn't shared with you or simply an addiction so, either get him help or get out of it before it's too late.
3) Last but not least, of course, DRUGS are a big no-no in my book. Some girls won't mind if their boyfriends smoke a joint every once in a while... I do because usually people get annoying when they're high (me included....but that was loooong ago). But any other kind of drug, like cocaine or ecstasy either recreational or serious use... I'm definitely not into that.






Hope I was helpful or funny, if not then well... I don't give a fuck!

LOL

Thanx for reading, my faithful lil green guys.... C ya soon.

Karma, dear....

I realized today that I wrote nothing about the holidays at all. I think is because I'm still in shock at the fact that I'm without deny or posibility to go back, older than I was. Not only in terms of age but in terms of experience too. I've come a long way this year:

(1) I put the past behind, where it belongs, and with it everyone that goes in it: Mr. Ego, Mr. Fuck Me, a great friend, and some others not worth mentioning.
(2) I actually studied!!! Incredible but true!
(3) I put my priorities in perspective and analized what I want out of life. Didn't got very far in the whole scheme of things but two steps closer is still two steps closer to the finish line.
(4) And most importantly I feel much more light. No more dragging around the horrible memories, the guilt and the feeling that karma was out to get me. Which I'm pretty sure karma tried a few times, almost finished me too; since I've been in about 3 or 4 accidents that were a complete wreck. I think I'm alive by mere miracle. The first one I had if I hadn't been changing the radio I would have gone out the front of the car, maybe fly a few feet. Instead I hit my head against the front mirror and was knocked unconscious. The others I don't know but somehow I felt very calmed and afterwards mad but was otherwise fine except for my car. Which was completely destroyed in the front. The third one I had, total my car. Left me with a few spasms, my chin out of place and a few bruises but otherwise ok. None else was hurt, just me. Which is why I think karma was out to get me, thank goodness it seems to be content with that, not like poor Earl...

OMG! I left the draft for this post incomplete about two days ago 'cause I had no idea where I was going with it and then today I had another encounter of the third kind, and no, I'm not talking aliens but karma. (But that would be something. Like: I was on the highway, when i saw an alien coming towards me; I thought omg, they are real, then when da light of their craft hit my car iluminating it only one thing came to mind: shit.... first u think or say it.... then u do it. . . [Lil story provided by my friend... see? I'm not that weird!)

I'm definitely karma's bitch... that sounds horrible but then again doesn't the truth always sounds horrible? Today, I was on my way to Starbucks when... Wait! Let me start by saying that it was rainning cats and dogs (not literally 'cause that'll be something!) and basically my car all of a sudden starts sliding right when I was in the left side... horrible experience. I couldn't do nothing but kind of close my eyes, hit the brakes as far as I could, hold the steering wheel firm and wait for the impact! Afterwards all I could do was laugh my ass off... I have no idea why but it was freaking hilarious! Nothing besides a fucked up tire happened but I laugh and laugh... and then went Fuck! It just hit me... I was in my mom's car!

Anyways, that goes to show Karma never forgets and apparently I'm still paying for all the fucked up things I did, all the people I hurt and all the lives I altered. Not gonna get on that now, but that's the way it works I guess... Just hope it would be satisfy soon, because I need to make this year a VERY VERY different one!


Love always,

Karma's Bitch

On Men

Okay, here IT IS! Everyone's being nagging the hell out of me to write this one. And by everyone I mean mostly every neuron or little green guy in my brain. So here goes all I know about men... Well, all I can say about men, really... Men are idiots. Don't get me wrong they are very handsome, cute, intelligent, irresistible idiots, but idiots none the less. They can be mean, assholes, and simply sadistic but then so can we. So to get on track let me start with this...

I was watching Grease 2 earlier tonight on Vh1 and after it was over I left the channel 'cause I just forgot the t.v. was on really. I tend to do that, just block it out. When I realize what happened and turned to change it, I got caught in this program called Tough Love. Woah... This guy basically took this group of mostly undateable women, not ugly though or fat which would have been much more realistic, but beautiful women that just did NOT get men. I was about to enter my resume and photo into the program, when he said something to one of the girls... He's just not that into you. That threw me off... unto another movie and the very successful book that inspired it.

Man, did I love that movie. My friends say I am so much like Gigi is unlikely. I, of course, deny it all the way. Didn't help the fact that I love that book. It helped me realize all the bullshit I have taken from men through the years and how many times I've convince myself that when they treated me like crap they actually loved me. To this day I cannot see a picture of **** without crying my eyes out. I loved that son of a bitch with all that my heart had to give, and he basically used me. That's typically Gigi, ain't it? I'm sad to say I actually lost my virginity to him, not because I loved him, not really. I didn't realize I did until much later. And we never had sex again. It's very weird but when a few weeks after he started to brag about being my first I couldn't hold my tongue and said that maybe he had been my first but he sure wasn't the last. It was mostly bravado but I was hurt. That's when it started to hurt, the realization that I gave myself to that asshole, and later on that I was so stupidly in love with him it physically hurt. It's very difficult for me to talk about this, but it's something I've had to do. I have to.

You see when I was in high school and all the girls were talking about waiting until marriage (what a laugh!) or at least until they were in love, I was the one saying I wanted to lose my virginity with a guy that meant absolutely nothing to me. Guys tend to believe that by giving them your virginity you suddenly become an eternal part of their groupies fan club or something. So I decided that that was not going to happen to me (what a freaking rof kind of laugh!). So years go by and I met 'him'. Let's call him Mr. Ego for need of a better name. Mr. Ego was handsome, we laughed at the same jokes, we could talk about history and stuff for hours and we had chemistry. And that was all in the first day we met. A friend introduced us one night in a pub. Needless to say I almost slept with him that night. I knew he wanted to, actually, and since I'm as honest as humanly possible I basically told him I would love to get out of there with him but there was something he should know: I was a virgin. Well, Mr. Ego's smile vanished and he became a changing set of colors that settle on green and gray for a while. Then he went on to tell me how I should wait for Mr. Right and save myself for someone I loved. Needless to say we didn’t have sex then. It was actually much later, but between that first night and the day he showed me his baby daughter there was a period of almost 2 years. We started fooling around and I was sooo horny all the time. I craved him, I needed him and I decided I was gonna have him!

And a long time later I did. We had become friends that when the mood strike would have benefits although not always. When he announced out of nowhere he was gonna get back together with his ex-girlfriend and he was even thinking of proposing. Even put a down payment on a ring. I’m not proud to say that was the night I lost my virginity. To this day one thing I can say is that I’ve never seen a cuter, rounder, most perfect butt naked. He was so handsome… He made me laugh, he tried to make it the least painfully possible, and it worked. It wasn’t until later that I realized I had come to love the motherfucker with all my heart. Even knowing he didn’t love, knowing what kind of guy he was, that he was a liar, a cheater, kind of a gigolo and worst of all a guy that would never grow up. But he had the cutest dimple, the cutest ass and the most deadly smile. To this day it breaks my heart thinking about it. Years later he would apologize to me, me crying like an idiot while he tried to say what he thought he needed to say. Basically that he was sorry because he used me knowing he could never loved me like I loved him. In my heart I don’t think I’ve ever forgive him. He still calls from time to time. I recently changed my number.

After that men became a series of one night stands and very secret affairs. I didn’t want a relationship but I wanted sex. I’m not proud to say I had affairs with men in relationships, almost married, and even participated in more than one person at a time kind of affairs.

Then one night I went out with the girls and met this guy. Let’s call him Mr. Fuck Me, 'cause it just goes sooo right! Mr. Fuck Me thought himself the most amazing thing to have ever been created, even better than coca-cola (like anyone can compete!). He actually looked perfect at first, like all shiny objects. He was tall, blonde, sporty, had a great smile and was nice. He and I started talking on the phone a lot. I was almost in love… then something actually happened. I felt used and dirty and afterwards I couldn’t get him off me… He would call me every weekend to talk dirty to me. Offer me sex and, basically, made booty calls. It became intolerable. Worst part? For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to put an end to it. Then this last year, I entered his car one last time. And told him, straight to his face that that was going to be the last time I would ever do something like that. Because I hated myself every time I was with him. I hated myself for not been able to say no to him. He said I shouldn’t hate myself that this was good for both… Bullshit! It was good for him. He got a once in a while screw with someone he knew and that when he needed her she was there. I actually was his goddamn friend! I believe I was the only friend he had. I helped him time and time again and he never even acknowledged that I had feelings. This was a guy that was so shallow he would have never ever in a million years had a public relationship with me. Oh, he could screw me, which he believed in itself to be a price, but he couldn’t introduce me to his friends or take me out once! He didn’t touch my heart; he touched something worst, my soul shattering desire to not be alone anymore. That was the truth of it. Another reason to change my phone number.

So maybe I am Gigi, or at least I was. I bought the book last year and read it, lend it to my best friend so she could read it and then have her tell me every time I became a bit unrealistic: “He’s just not that into you”. For example, I met this guy one day. He appeared out of nowhere and started talking to me. I liked him and he worked at my favorite starbucks, so I had seen him. After that, we became friends, exchange phone numbers and well... that was it. He never took the next step. I started making excuses for him and then my friend looked me straight in the eye and said: “Darling, he’s just not that into you!”. That did it. I saw what she had seen and I just overlooked. It was that simple. So, after a while I just forgot all about him. We did become friends and in the process I realized I wasn’t that into him either!!! Weird thing? About 2 weeks ago, this is months if not a year since we met, he actually asked me out. I felt like laughing! He asked me out and I, very politely, declined. I need a man, not a guy that would wait a year to ask me out. I mean, like the author said, if he was interested but had other stuff well he can say I’m interested I just want to take things slowly, hopefully of course not THAT slowly. But he didn’t, I moved on. That was that.

Anyways, what I know about men is that there are two kinds of men. (1) Straight forwards and (2) the ones that go around and around until they are sure they want to attack. The second ones are the hardest to figure out. You think, sometimes know, they are interested but you are not sure when, how, or simply IF they are ever going to let you know! Like, maybe you think they are interested and he just thinks of you as a friend. There are the kind of guys that actually care about peoples feelings so they are gonna have a hard time letting you down. And of course, there are the kind of guys that are just making sure they know you, the real you, and it’s that real you what they actually want, and desire. Some are just looking for the legendaries deal-breakers (That’s another post I promise to do)....

At the end, all I can say about men is that I’m as clueless as I’ve always been. Less naïve, less innocent, and a bit more confident in what I want. But at the end, I believe that even that which we know is a mistake, like trying a relationship with a guy that we know is not gonna work out, we just have to do it. It’s necessary so that we won’t spend the rest of our lives thinking what if. Mistakes are a big part of who we are… We need to make the mistake, try to kiss the frog, declare cured a never healed heart, and with eyes open, and seeing the most horrible defects on men accept them for who they are. That’s after all what love is all about. Love for me is about having who to call after a hard day at work, or who to hold when your world is crumbling down. It’s about someone to talk to all night, or simply protect. It’s about having someone that knows your darkest, deepest and most horrifying secrets and defects and just smiles and kisses you. Love is about intimacy and intellect. About communication and the power to be yourself without inhibitions. Love is just love, if you have it cherish it for as long as you do.

And men are men, there’s no way to change that. But let’s face it, at the end we need them to be just the way they are. We wouldn’t want them any other way…