Small Note #3

I started classes yesterday. I'm busy, worried and excited all at the same time! I have a loooot of things to do in the next few weeks, including the fact that I get to, for the first time, do a few hours in a school. Have to watch the teacher and take notes, make interviews... sounds so exciting! I already picked the school, going over next week. Barely have time for anything at the moment so I might have to quit playing World Of Warcraft for a while... Going to miss everyone but I'll be back as soon as I can. Meanwhile, I'll try to keep writing here... =D Have to go do a few things for tomorrow's class now... C ya later.

The Trip

So, I promised a recollection of what I did, which I think would be short since truth be told it was rather boring. Best thing in the cruise, as always, is the food, mainly the restaurant which I loved. Sadly, this year we got a cruise at the end of January which means that it was full of old people. My brother made a very mean joke about it, saying that if "Death" sank the boat he would have a whole week vacation. Hilarious!, but mean, lol. The Disco was dead after 12 and you either went to bed or walk around the boat all night. We played dominoes and ordered a lot of room service... Man, I love room service!!!!!!!!
Good point about this cruise: We had already been to all the islands so we could sleep late and only get out of the boat in those we thought worthwhile to do so, mainly to buy cheap.

First stop was St. Thomas: Now, if you have ever been to St. Thomas you would know there is nothing worth seeing. We got out and walk around the duty free shops there. I bought a carton of cigarettes for 6 bucks (don't mean a pack, but 10!). Cashier made a mistake and I felt like a very very lucky person. We went to Hooters... I know, not what people expect others to do in an island, but hey, there's no Hooters here since it closed years ago (don't even remember it!) so we went. Mostly cause my brother insisted and insisted and insisted... Men! Women in tight shirts and hot pants do that to them I guess...

Second Stop was St. Martin: Oh, here we walked a lot. You have to buy the ticket for the water taxi to get to the main island, French side or something or other... That's where all the good shops are. Now, St. Martins is THE best place to buy. It's the cheapest!!! We bought a few things and I fell. It had been a while since I had an accident so I was kind of surprised... damn clumsiness! Anyways... hurt my toe pretty bad, but nothing scratch or broken, so I count myself lucky. Mostly just embarrassing....

Third Stop was Antigua: No way I was getting out of the boat. Hate that place, there's nothing to see but a forte that has nothing interesting about it and a church in ruins they have been renovating for decades. Plus to get to any of those places you have to go up, on foot!!!, through a very 90 degrees kind of steep hill (that reminds me of the images I've seen of the streets in San Francisco, just not as pretty! or pretty at all...) Awful! So, I stayed in the boat, slept till 12, got up, read, ate, etc... No pool for me sadly; I avoid the sun like the plague. I get as red as an apple in an instant...



(Just an example)

Fourth Stop was... oh, yeah St. Lucia: Went to the duty free shops here. Nothing to see really, we just wanted to walk a bit. Still we got up around 11am, no point in hurrying. Had a few local beers, didn't bought sh*t, since everything is so expensive and got back on the boat.


(St. Lucia's Beer)

Fifth Stop was Barbados: Now, the main reason I got off the boat in Barbados is because they have phone and internet booth that you can use by buying a card. It's cheap and let's me get online and call my mum. But surprise, surprise they were not there anymore... So I got off the boat for nothing. My dad was the only one that wanted to go see the shops with me, just to walk a bit so we went through the duty free shops and as I was walking I remember one of them had a section where everything was 10 bucks. I found it and bought 2 clocks, pink and red. Plus I bought a small ring that changes color when the sun hits it for my god-daughter.



(Duty Free Port Shops at Barbados)

Sixth Day was at Sea and pretty much we slept, ate and .... well, my dad and I played ping pong, my brother went to the gym, my step-brother and step-mom went to tan by the pool....

All in all, even though it was the most boring cruise ever, it also, for the first time ever, accomplished its purpose. We talked! The main point is having a family vacation, but every year we find people our age, form a group and party all night. We rarely see dad and my step-mom so it wasn't much of a family vacation. This time we got to talk, and spend time together... basically cause we have nothing else to do, lol. So, I guess it wasn't that bad a cruise...



P.D. I'll add more pics later

Small Note #2

So... I just got back from a one week cruise through the Caribbean. Sorry I didn't said anything but I barely had time to pack. It was one of those 24-hours take it or leave it kind of offers. And before you go saying "Wow, lucky u!", let me tell that it was the single worst cruise experience of my life, and I've been in a lot of cruises (fact not brag). Anyways, I'm looking forward to tell you all I did... and didn't do. I kinda was hoping for an affair, or at least some sort of flirtation.. *sigh* Well, that's life. Have to go now. Just got home and I have a lot of unpacking to do, plus I need a damn nap. Had to wake up at 6am!!! 6am! Horrible! to disembark. I am soooo not a morning person, lol. Catch ya later!

Small Note #1

This is something new I'm trying out: Making small notes about... anything really.


Today I thought I would share with you guys something that happened to me about a week ago. So, here it goes. I got up kinda late, around friday afternoon, and well... the last 2 weeks I had being staying over at my dad's and during the day it was mainly just him(dad) and me. So I got up and there was a very loud noise, sounded like a movie or a video game, so without putting my glasses on I went into the hall, up to my brother's room (the noise came from there) and, thinking it was my father playing ps3, opened the door. At first I couldn't see much. I didn't have my glasses on after all, so I basically stared into the room. The tv was on and very very loud with some kind of action movie. The bed... well, I could see someone on the bed and all of a sudden "someone" moved and there were now 2 "someones". I wanted to close the door quickly, I swear I did, but I was in such a state of shock I was kinda glue to the floor. I finally closed the door...

Basically I had walk in on my brother and his girlfriend! lol He came out a whiiiiile later and ask me for popcorn, lol, porpcorn! Like I didn't know what they were really doing! So what can be learn from this? Close the damn door when you are about to have sex and there are about 3 other ppl in the house!!!



My friend has another version, lol... I told him the story and he figured my brother was beng witty. Basically the way he tells it, I walked in on my brother and his girlfriend and since I stared a while my brother said: If your going to watch at least get popcorn! or something like that... lol Funny, shame that my brother's not that witty.


Ha... not so small. Don't worry I'll get better at it. = D

Anorexia

Ok, I'm sorry I can't help myself.

I was searching on Google for information about Eating Disorders, because I had to do a paper on them when I ran across and article in Time Maganize about "Anorexia Goes High-Tech" from 2001. The article was old news, the fact that there were Pro-Ana, as they call it, sites running around the internet was old news.... for everyone but me. Using a creed, a prayer and even commandments like a mockery of organize religion (point to them) and promoting through the internet tips about how to control or ignore hunger pangs for example... I even found the commandments on internet and thought I should paste them here for you to understand why I was so in shock!


1. If you aren't thin you aren't attractive.
2. Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3. You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself look thinner.
4. Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5. Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards.
6. Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7. What the scale says is the most important thing.
8. Losing weight is good/ gaining weight is bad.
9. You can never be too thin.
10. Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.



How come I had never heard of this????? Maybe because back in 2001 I was in high school, with my head in the clouds and no one I knew had an eating disorder. Isn't that hard to believe? I try to think back and see if maybe now after all these years I can remember one single person in my class that was rumor to puke her guts out after lunch... and I can't for my life remember anyone. This became a shock to me... and obsession of 20 minutes doing nonstop research, thinking all the time "What the fuck is wrong with the world?".




I mean you read some of the explanation for their obsession, how it all began and it makes sense. I get it! I'm a fat chick in a country obsessed with looking like flat surfboard movie stars!!!!!!! Half the country is overweight, hell half my family is overweight! But this... this is as bad as the people that sit back and become morbidly obese. This girls become simply bones, bones... their skin elastically holding on to the bones, to the hollow existence they are... Empty inside and out! Because this is psychological disease, it's mental... It's not them being fat but thinking that they are over and over... like a mantra. Like something out of a horror movie, walking skeletons... killing themselves a bit every single day. No eating, drinking, exercising like possess people, thinking it would all make a difference but it doesn't.



At the end of the day it is never enough because society will never accept you. If you are fat, you are unattractive, if you are skinny, your nose is too big, if your nose is right then your are too short, if not too tall... They will never be satisfied! And the sooner we learn that the better! I stopped trying to please people a long time ago, and now I try liking myself for who I am, fat or not, chubby or not, skinny or not, tall or not... liking myself is more important! Liking myself without killing myself!



I don't mean to be offensive, I really don't. I think the most important thing in life is to be healthy. To be sane, to be whole! Which is why when I set out to write this, impulsive as it was, I just wanted to expressed my astonishment, to make clear my sadness, my pity for these people. Not only for anorexics, because every coin has another face, but for morbidly obese people too, for over-eaters and bulimics and every kind of eating disorder there is.


And I know you don't want my pity, or my criticizing... who does? I know if any person with an ED read this would think, who does she think she is? And truth is, I'm no one, I can't help you! I'm not a therapist, I'm not a physician... I'm just a person with an opinion, a person that wishes she could help because at the end of the day we are all people, and we need someone that can help us up when we've fallen down and have no idea how to get back on our feet.

Tearing up... something inside

So here goes nothing... I know I say that a lot but what else can I say, really? I don't have much more than nothing to say. Fake stories, fake realities, fake friends, fake everything... My life is emptier than before and somehow I feel happier. Don't get me wrong I cry every single day for some reason (any reason, really) because deep down I know I'm still depress and its tearing something inside of me. Something I thought didn't exist anymore. Something that maybe could be call hope, but that I know deep down to be something worst... Truth be told I don't want to talk about that. So, yeah I'm sad but I don't want to depress you too.

On another note I could say this was a very nice Christmas. I wouldn't say great but it was okay. My birthday was like every year: kind of fun, and I had a pretty good time with my friends. Some stay over and talk none stop over the night while I tried to sleep some. But it was ok... lol. That's why I love them so much. They can make me laugh when I feel down and make mad as hell the rest of the time, which is perfect because I love fake fighting lol.

New Year's was sad... It was fun don't get me wrong. I ended up at some strangers house, drinking, eating, and dancing, but I kinda missed my mom. I know... lame, rite? lol It doesn't matter... The thing is there was this point through-out the night, about an hour before midnight, when I found myself completely alone. Everyone else was around doing something and it hit me... I was alone and something broke inside of me. Like a wave of self-pity, don't you hate those? It was as if I couldn't shake that feeling from me. I was alone. That was it. Alone and nobody seemed to notice. Nobody seemed to care that I was alone, standing in the sidewalk feeling like a loser, and an idiot.

I can't help hating myself every time I cry. Which is why I don't cry in public, and if I do I hate myself even more. That night I let about 2 single tears run down and took a deep breath, closed my eyes and there... all better. All bottle up inside like a huge piñata that would someday explode, but hopefully when I'm alone somewhere private.



In the past 5 years or so I can only remember one time I cried in public, and it was so horrible... but it could have been worst. I was talking on the phone with a guy... You know how people say that if you want something bad enough sometimes you have to put yourself out there... pour your heart out and maybe, just maybe something good would come out of it. Well... I did. I poured my heart out, granted I did it over the phone but you know what? If not I might have never do so at all. I'm a coward with the things that really matter. I had never poured my heart out, or put myself out there, I find it very hard to flirt with someone I reeeally like, or that I consider a friend, I don't notice when someone is hitting on me because really it's been so freaking long since I left my guard down that I've become invisible to myself, and that is what people see. Or so my best friend is always saying...





I pride myself on being hard to forget when it comes to men. I mean my ex's to this day would flirt with me and sometimes I see something in their eyes, but the truth is I would never go back to anyone I've left behind. But when it comes to friends I thought... I'm forgettable. I mean, for example, the other day two of my friends (we have know in each other since middle school or high school) were remembering something they did together. I wasn't there, I know that much so I tell them about the time we did something which I thought hilarious and that we were all there... they couldn't remember. For some reason that hurt my feelings... I know I hate myself when I get that stupid but hey... I call it a hormonal disorder and I'm sticking to it.

Anyways a few days after that my best friend and I were talking with someone else about how I've always felt like I'm part of the background. Not because I'm shy, anyone that knows me can tell you I am not shy at all. I like listening to people, finding out their true colors before showing mine. That and the fact that I have 2 very loud best friends. They are very out there kind of people, talking, laughing and simply being themselves makes them the center of attention and me, well... I've always was very private, reserved. Don't get me wrong, I love talking and I can talk your ears out but I have to warm up, so to speak, before I become myself around people. Which doesn't happen to me when I meet someone through internet for example. I think is the face to face thing... the fact that that person right there might be able to later point me out, or disappoint me or ... I don't know. I can't explain it... maybe is one of those self-esteem problems psychologists are so happy to treat. But the truth is, when I'm not face to face with someone I can much more easily be myself from the start, my crazy, stubborn, and talkative self... My best friend gets mad at me for that... She says she doesn't get it. Why can't I be that way when I'm face to face with someone I like, something I want, or simply when I'm face to face with whatever, whoever or however...? And I always use the feeling like part of the background excuse... And she did something that, well, made me cry again. She looked at me and she said that what I didn't get was that I was the Star there not her. Yeah, she was louder but that was it. I was special, and she wanted so hard to make me understand that. That I was pretty, smart, and so much more than a cute face or a chubby ass... That if I was only myself I could get anything, anyone that I set myself to get. Which reminded me right there and then the song in Beaches "Your the wind beneath my wings". I know, I know... but I couldn't help myself. Kinda sounded right in that moment, and if my life was a musical that would have been the moment when she sang that song... lol








And well, it's not that I do not know all that but I think it's mostly about... About the fact that I'm scare the heck out of feeling.... anything. I prefer being lonely at being in love because love is so... unsure. I like knowing where I'm going, what/where I'm standing on and how to get back from there. With love you don't know ANY of those things!!!!!!!! Besides the fact that I do not trust people easily which is why I've had the same friends for years, some of them as far as middle school, even when I threat every few years to get new ones, 'cause seriously they are the best but sometimes... uff *sigh*.


The big contradiction in all this is that at the end of the day I'm a hopeless romantic. I can't help myself... I believe love, real love, the kind you approach realistically, is the greatest feeling of all. And what I mean by realistically is the love where you know each others defects, quirks, virtues, bad habits, where you know what irritates the hell out of you about your partner but you still love him/her for who he/she is. And I'm not one of those that says love can last a lifetime because sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, but that doesn't mean that at one point it wasn't love, real love. And we can be in love several times in life, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like we will ever love again.




At the end of the day... what was my point? I have no freaking idea what-so-ever. I just thought I should make a note of everything that goes through my mind as this new year begins. I'm sad, yes, but sometimes I'm very happy too. Because even though something is tearing up inside, I know that time heals everything, even if it sounds like a lame fortune cookie line. = ) But hey... isn't life a little bit of a fortune cookie? Always giving us hope, moving us forward, laughing at us, making us cry, and sometimes being a living hell or a gateway to paradise.... your choice.


Every day is a new beginning... or so they say.