So... I'm back

So I know I've been away for far too long but truth be told I haven't been feeling creative at all the past few months. Everything inside of me is changing. I'm becoming something different and I'm scared... I know I bitch and complain about my life and how come I'm almost 25 now and I haven't done anything with it but the truth is... I may not have a steady job (or any at all), I might still be in college and living with my mom but I HAVE change! I'm not the bohemian alcoholic anymore, or the lost poet, or even the lost girl that thought she was too ugly and invisible to actually be taken seriously.

I've been in some very dark places recently...

I have been so depressed for so long I didn't even notice I was, is that weird? I mean, I could function okay, I could go to class, eat, sleep, and do whatever I needed to do, but I wasn't doing anything I WANTED to do. Not really! I mean, yeah, I get distracted easily, I play way too much WOW, I see way too many t.v. shows and sleeping is my favorite activity in the world, but I lost my focus... I lost my soul somewhere on the way, my call... It's ironic because until recently I hadn't realize that I can do anything I want because I can! Simple! I'm one of the smartest persons I know, and when I say that is not my ego talking (ok, maybe a bit), but my logic. I have no responsibilities holding me back, no boyfriend (which is a subject I'll revisit soon) or anything else important enough to not let me move on.

AND I NEED A CHANGE SO BADLY. I need the air around me to be different, the sun, the moon, the people, the language, everything! I want to be happy again, to laugh, to party, to meet new people, to live a new life. Ironically, a friend used to read me the tarot cards a lot and they always said that I was expecting a call... and it wasn't until another friend pointed out that maybe, just maybe, it's not literally a call but THE call that I realize that I've been waiting for the universe to show me what I should do with my life, and meanwhile I've just been ... killing time, filling the void with meaningless shit.

NOT ANYMORE...

I'm actually graduating, hopefully, this semester. Getting my diploma and if everything goes according to plan: I'm moving! I think the universe has finally send me all the signs and the people I need to give me courage, and to make me want this more than anything. I want to go and I mean it. No one in my family believes me... but I can't say I blame them. When have I ever done anything I set out to do in the first place? I'm not a quitter no... just an eternal procrastinator. Guess I'll just have to surprise them. I don't how but I'm going. I need to get away from everything reliable, I need to only have me and my wit and maybe a friend to back me up. I need to be out of the nest, away from that which feels safe.... I need to get my wings, to let go, to move on.. I NEED A LIFE THAT I CAN SINCERELY BE PROUD OF!

I need a life... is that simple. And I have spent the last 2 hours crying my eyes out because a big part of me wants to stay and be here with my mom, my dad, my brother, my dog, my friends... to be able to call my dad when my car gets fucked up, or see my mom every day, or call my fiends whenever life gets sour. But I can't because so much more is out there and I want to try and grab as much of life as it would let me.

So I guess this is a Hello again to you, my little green guys whoever you are, or not. I don't really care if anyone is out there reading this or not cause the fact is I just needed to write it. And I'll try and come more often and tell ya about my horrible life, my great one, my loves and loses, and everything I can bitch or be happy about, serious or angry... because after all this is for me and me alone, and as much as I would love to have a hundred followers I can't help but think: You know what? Screw it! I can't live the rest of my days waiting for fame, it's time to go into the world and find it...

Who knows, maybe when I'm not looking it'll find me....