Dreaming...

Ok, here goes. Last night, or once again early this morning, I was talking about relationships with someone and it kind of got stuck on me or something cause I had a dream that I have no idea if it was good or bad. You guys remember Mr. Ego? Well, he was in my dream. Which initially seemed bad, because he made me revisit even inside the dream all the emotional damage he put me trough and just seeing him I wanted to cry. The me in the dream, mind you. But first things first...

I'm sick so I was heavy on medication and spent half the day in bed, where I had like 3 dreams, including one that made no sense about 2 streets that were been attack by a green Godzilla kind of cartoon/robot monster... It was weird... so weird. Lol.



My next dream was somehow weirdly connected to the Godzilla one because we were in a shelter of some kind, and I had a best friend that looked a lot like a friend from wow, and she was a cop. So I was being lazy as usual and she was telling me to go do some exercise. So she told me where the indoor walking track was and I decided to go. Weird thing, even tough it was indoor there were cars parked at the sides of it... Whatever, the point is I get there and looked around. My eyes stopped on a guy: he had a muscular back and he was really tall, very close to 6 feet. He had on long dark blue running pants and a gray undershirt, and when he smiled at me I think I got a bit woozy. And then I realize who it was. It was Mr.Ego, granted it was a new and improved Mr.Ego but it was him nonetheless. As soon as he saw me he was by my side. I tried smiling politely and walking to the track but he merely followed me. He started telling how he was divorce, had two kids, and had re-made himself. He was a new person, serious, and caring and funny... And then he said, he never forgot about me. He became obsessed and went by my house to see if he could see me now and then but never got the courage to tell anything because he knew he had hurt me. My head was between "AAAAwwww" and "Stalker alert!". I couldn't believe the guy I had loved and cried over so much was now here telling me he had always loved me. Isn't life grand!

So he worked me basically. He got me to the side and before I had even noticed (The rational me that's looking at the dream me being a fool) we were kissing. It was lustful, passionate, emotional and all of a sudden I let go and started walking towards the track again, and the people. To where I was not alone with him, and my brain wasn't clouded. (Seems the rational me screamed loud enough!) He had that effect on me, since always, he could cloud my brain, made it foggy and unreasonable. Made me not functional, like the air in the room was never enough, and my lungs could burst at any second...

Later on the dream, cause it was a weirdly long dream, I realize he was "courting" some other girl. So one day, when he was looking at me, I went straight to her, introduced myself and invited her to get some coffee. During coffee I told her everything about him. Who he had been and was, how he used women for money, or entertainment and how he would never change because it was who he was, and who he liked being. I told her about his stalker, this woman he used for money and even called me like a 150 times during a period of 3 months or so to see if he was with me, never saying anything. Nothing creepier than a person breathing on your phone never saying anything, even if you know who it is. I told her everything I had to say... and she went straight to him and broke it off. It was my triumph, the moment in which I had finally won against him. I was the champion... but it was an empty winning.

He was still an open wound in my heart that had been cut open once again and would take longer to close, to heal. The man I had trusted a second time for nothing. He was the gray hole in my heart, the reason no man had ever been able to touch my cold heart, to get to my soul and stay put. The reason I don't trust anyone, and I'm a little bit of a bitch. The reason my body language (like my best friend says) suggests "You better get lost" even before they get close. The reason I've been single for so long... It's been 6 years since I had a boyfriend, or any other kind of meaningful relationship (and I don't mean sex). Six really long years and all because someone broke my heart into a million pieces and I haven't been able to put the puzzle back together. Well, I'm sick of it!!! That pieces better start putting themselves back on it's place because I'm sick of not been able to trust, to open myself to someone. I'm sick of laying in bed alone, and having no one to comfort me, and hug me trough the night. And I believe I deserve it!!! If he can have someone that he loves and that loves him, why can't I? I'm better than him. I was the victim and somehow the villain is the one happy! Life is so unfair...




Then again, it was all a dream... or was it?


I woke up at 3pm with a fever, a headache, and a runny nose... so you decide.