On Men

Okay, here IT IS! Everyone's being nagging the hell out of me to write this one. And by everyone I mean mostly every neuron or little green guy in my brain. So here goes all I know about men... Well, all I can say about men, really... Men are idiots. Don't get me wrong they are very handsome, cute, intelligent, irresistible idiots, but idiots none the less. They can be mean, assholes, and simply sadistic but then so can we. So to get on track let me start with this...

I was watching Grease 2 earlier tonight on Vh1 and after it was over I left the channel 'cause I just forgot the t.v. was on really. I tend to do that, just block it out. When I realize what happened and turned to change it, I got caught in this program called Tough Love. Woah... This guy basically took this group of mostly undateable women, not ugly though or fat which would have been much more realistic, but beautiful women that just did NOT get men. I was about to enter my resume and photo into the program, when he said something to one of the girls... He's just not that into you. That threw me off... unto another movie and the very successful book that inspired it.

Man, did I love that movie. My friends say I am so much like Gigi is unlikely. I, of course, deny it all the way. Didn't help the fact that I love that book. It helped me realize all the bullshit I have taken from men through the years and how many times I've convince myself that when they treated me like crap they actually loved me. To this day I cannot see a picture of **** without crying my eyes out. I loved that son of a bitch with all that my heart had to give, and he basically used me. That's typically Gigi, ain't it? I'm sad to say I actually lost my virginity to him, not because I loved him, not really. I didn't realize I did until much later. And we never had sex again. It's very weird but when a few weeks after he started to brag about being my first I couldn't hold my tongue and said that maybe he had been my first but he sure wasn't the last. It was mostly bravado but I was hurt. That's when it started to hurt, the realization that I gave myself to that asshole, and later on that I was so stupidly in love with him it physically hurt. It's very difficult for me to talk about this, but it's something I've had to do. I have to.

You see when I was in high school and all the girls were talking about waiting until marriage (what a laugh!) or at least until they were in love, I was the one saying I wanted to lose my virginity with a guy that meant absolutely nothing to me. Guys tend to believe that by giving them your virginity you suddenly become an eternal part of their groupies fan club or something. So I decided that that was not going to happen to me (what a freaking rof kind of laugh!). So years go by and I met 'him'. Let's call him Mr. Ego for need of a better name. Mr. Ego was handsome, we laughed at the same jokes, we could talk about history and stuff for hours and we had chemistry. And that was all in the first day we met. A friend introduced us one night in a pub. Needless to say I almost slept with him that night. I knew he wanted to, actually, and since I'm as honest as humanly possible I basically told him I would love to get out of there with him but there was something he should know: I was a virgin. Well, Mr. Ego's smile vanished and he became a changing set of colors that settle on green and gray for a while. Then he went on to tell me how I should wait for Mr. Right and save myself for someone I loved. Needless to say we didn’t have sex then. It was actually much later, but between that first night and the day he showed me his baby daughter there was a period of almost 2 years. We started fooling around and I was sooo horny all the time. I craved him, I needed him and I decided I was gonna have him!

And a long time later I did. We had become friends that when the mood strike would have benefits although not always. When he announced out of nowhere he was gonna get back together with his ex-girlfriend and he was even thinking of proposing. Even put a down payment on a ring. I’m not proud to say that was the night I lost my virginity. To this day one thing I can say is that I’ve never seen a cuter, rounder, most perfect butt naked. He was so handsome… He made me laugh, he tried to make it the least painfully possible, and it worked. It wasn’t until later that I realized I had come to love the motherfucker with all my heart. Even knowing he didn’t love, knowing what kind of guy he was, that he was a liar, a cheater, kind of a gigolo and worst of all a guy that would never grow up. But he had the cutest dimple, the cutest ass and the most deadly smile. To this day it breaks my heart thinking about it. Years later he would apologize to me, me crying like an idiot while he tried to say what he thought he needed to say. Basically that he was sorry because he used me knowing he could never loved me like I loved him. In my heart I don’t think I’ve ever forgive him. He still calls from time to time. I recently changed my number.

After that men became a series of one night stands and very secret affairs. I didn’t want a relationship but I wanted sex. I’m not proud to say I had affairs with men in relationships, almost married, and even participated in more than one person at a time kind of affairs.

Then one night I went out with the girls and met this guy. Let’s call him Mr. Fuck Me, 'cause it just goes sooo right! Mr. Fuck Me thought himself the most amazing thing to have ever been created, even better than coca-cola (like anyone can compete!). He actually looked perfect at first, like all shiny objects. He was tall, blonde, sporty, had a great smile and was nice. He and I started talking on the phone a lot. I was almost in love… then something actually happened. I felt used and dirty and afterwards I couldn’t get him off me… He would call me every weekend to talk dirty to me. Offer me sex and, basically, made booty calls. It became intolerable. Worst part? For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to put an end to it. Then this last year, I entered his car one last time. And told him, straight to his face that that was going to be the last time I would ever do something like that. Because I hated myself every time I was with him. I hated myself for not been able to say no to him. He said I shouldn’t hate myself that this was good for both… Bullshit! It was good for him. He got a once in a while screw with someone he knew and that when he needed her she was there. I actually was his goddamn friend! I believe I was the only friend he had. I helped him time and time again and he never even acknowledged that I had feelings. This was a guy that was so shallow he would have never ever in a million years had a public relationship with me. Oh, he could screw me, which he believed in itself to be a price, but he couldn’t introduce me to his friends or take me out once! He didn’t touch my heart; he touched something worst, my soul shattering desire to not be alone anymore. That was the truth of it. Another reason to change my phone number.

So maybe I am Gigi, or at least I was. I bought the book last year and read it, lend it to my best friend so she could read it and then have her tell me every time I became a bit unrealistic: “He’s just not that into you”. For example, I met this guy one day. He appeared out of nowhere and started talking to me. I liked him and he worked at my favorite starbucks, so I had seen him. After that, we became friends, exchange phone numbers and well... that was it. He never took the next step. I started making excuses for him and then my friend looked me straight in the eye and said: “Darling, he’s just not that into you!”. That did it. I saw what she had seen and I just overlooked. It was that simple. So, after a while I just forgot all about him. We did become friends and in the process I realized I wasn’t that into him either!!! Weird thing? About 2 weeks ago, this is months if not a year since we met, he actually asked me out. I felt like laughing! He asked me out and I, very politely, declined. I need a man, not a guy that would wait a year to ask me out. I mean, like the author said, if he was interested but had other stuff well he can say I’m interested I just want to take things slowly, hopefully of course not THAT slowly. But he didn’t, I moved on. That was that.

Anyways, what I know about men is that there are two kinds of men. (1) Straight forwards and (2) the ones that go around and around until they are sure they want to attack. The second ones are the hardest to figure out. You think, sometimes know, they are interested but you are not sure when, how, or simply IF they are ever going to let you know! Like, maybe you think they are interested and he just thinks of you as a friend. There are the kind of guys that actually care about peoples feelings so they are gonna have a hard time letting you down. And of course, there are the kind of guys that are just making sure they know you, the real you, and it’s that real you what they actually want, and desire. Some are just looking for the legendaries deal-breakers (That’s another post I promise to do)....

At the end, all I can say about men is that I’m as clueless as I’ve always been. Less naïve, less innocent, and a bit more confident in what I want. But at the end, I believe that even that which we know is a mistake, like trying a relationship with a guy that we know is not gonna work out, we just have to do it. It’s necessary so that we won’t spend the rest of our lives thinking what if. Mistakes are a big part of who we are… We need to make the mistake, try to kiss the frog, declare cured a never healed heart, and with eyes open, and seeing the most horrible defects on men accept them for who they are. That’s after all what love is all about. Love for me is about having who to call after a hard day at work, or who to hold when your world is crumbling down. It’s about someone to talk to all night, or simply protect. It’s about having someone that knows your darkest, deepest and most horrifying secrets and defects and just smiles and kisses you. Love is about intimacy and intellect. About communication and the power to be yourself without inhibitions. Love is just love, if you have it cherish it for as long as you do.

And men are men, there’s no way to change that. But let’s face it, at the end we need them to be just the way they are. We wouldn’t want them any other way…