This IS it

This is it. That's all I could think of as I was standing outside having my strictly monitorize cigarrette of the day and my 3th or 4th glass of left over Disarono on the rocks. This is my life. I'm 23 years old, and I have nothing to say about my life but the incredible truth that I have no idea how the hell I ended up in the same place I've always been. I haven't finished my bachillers, my best friends almost married and has a kid, shit even my brother has more than me. And this first entry, to anyone that's reading this, might be the only bit of truth you'll ever get from me. That's not my real name. I'm not from Aruba, just chose that place cause i've been there a couple of times and thought it was a gr8 place to be. I'm nothing but a cranky woman whose only real ambition in life is to be a great writer... I am a great writer so everyone's always saying but I lack motivation. Well... who can blame me? I'm not a sad soul that has a torturing life experience to narrate, I'm just a middle class nobody that wishes for any kind of change.

Retracing my steps I believe it all started with getting almost everything handed moderly easily. I was not permitted to work trough high school, I was suppose to study and become something great. After all, I had (have) the potential to do so. But my heart, my talent wasn't on cutting people open, or litigating in court, or simply teaching high school students the difference between an allegory and a methapor. No one cared as much about iambic rhyme as the guy that invented it out of boredom. I swear the guy was stone when he realize, hey! if you read this like this it's like music, man!!! You outta try it... somehow it catch on.

Right before going to university I decided to dump my boyfriend... Mostly because I was so freaking pissed at the guy. We had been going out for like 3 months, right after I dumped my boyfriend (the one i had when i met him) to date him, and because I couldn't stand another second of my before him broyfriends bitch of a mother, when I just out of pure rage decided it was OVER!. Best decision I've ever made. I believe I would still be with him, if I hadn't. He was sweet and I did love him... some. But the simple thought of still being with him creeps me out. I would have settle for his good, boring ass and never experienced life...

It was the process of experiencing life that ruined my life... I got to university and all was awesome. I had straight As and was about to enter the honor program until one day i got up with this nagging feeling... This is NOT what I want. I didn't want to be a mathematician. It was interesting, it was easy, it was boring... I wanted to be a writer, to travel, to have random sex with strangers and to get drunk every night watching the sun come up as I smoked my last cigarrette of the night. I wanted, I needed, I craved life.

So I went for it...

Didn't turned out so good. Now, a few AA's meetings, some accidents, heartbreaks, and a few stories after I have exactly what I started with... An unfinished degree, a lonely heart, a heavy drink, a cigarrette and worst of all I'm still living at my mothers. I have no job... although I'm hoping that would change soon, I have to write my tesis to graduate... but I'm exhausted. And that's the main point, I'm exhausted of my life. I need to move, to be independent, I need to start writing again, I need... A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And this is why after I finished smoking I decided to start this blog. It's not like my other blog, full of poetry and hot nights (which no one reads)... This is real, even if it starts with a fake name and place of origin. Even if no one would know if I'm saying the truth or not... at least it's the truth of my pond...

And that's why it's call the Lost and Found Pond... Cause even if I've lost almost all my hope, my friends, my loves... I know I can find my way once again, and hopefully this time I'll get to leave this overrated, overpriced pond in which my life is drowning on...