I was watching this horribly dramatic and getting-nowhere kind of movie last night, reason I didn't sleep much (what a waste!), where this guy (the main guy) went to an AA meeting and admited that not drinking was just making him addicted to other stuff, and that got me thinking. When I used to go to AA meetings (yes, i did! NO, IM NOT A DRUNK.... I'm an alcoholic, know the difference right?) I use to hate the goddamn procedure of things. Everyone would say a very sad story about how they sold their bodies, minds and souls for a glass of rum and I thought: "Damn, these guys are losers!!!". I would have never sold myself for a glass of rum, whiskey maybe but rum... ugh! Now seriously, I hated it. Losers that couldn't confront their problems and ended up drowning them in alcohol like that's ever going to make anything better.
When I used to get drunk, it wasn't about forgeting my problems, it was about getting Drunk!, have a nice time, flirt with people I would never see again, mostly because I couldn't remember ever meeting them, and having the courage to stand up and read. I use to read my poetry in a pub close to my university... had my own nickname and everything. They called me "the poetic clitoris"... not very inspiring is it? lol... Anyways....
As I was saying, I couldn't stand to be in the same room with this people cause I couldn't understand them. How they abandoned everything and lost everything because of drinking. I just couldn't comprehend that, and that's why I decided I was not in the right place. I didn't hide in liquor, or revolved my life around the next beer. My problem was shyness... I couldn't stand up without a drink and a cigarrette.... And that's where everything came crumbling down. I lost almost 2 years of classes. I dropped out and worked, then party everyday and just wrote. It was the most creative time of my life but it came with a price. I became addicted to the euphoria, to the need to be applaud and, of course, to the eternal drink...
I don't remember what or who exactly made me realize I was an adicct, but I decided why not and went once to a AA meeting, where they gave me this brouchure that had questions about your drinking habits. According to that I wasn't only an alcoholic, I was a repress, sadistic and depress alcoholic... Which to be sure, I didn't felt like at all. (All except for the sadistic, even I can admit I like to sometimes do mean stuff just to see other peoples faces...)
So I went. And you know what happened... They have this part at the end when everyone hugs and get in a circle... I hated that part most of all. This drunk mfs, that sold their bodies, and woke up in their own vomit in a street a 100 miles away from their homes, were hugging me!!! I couldn't stand it and after a few times, I learned when to dash out of the place before that precise moment. And that's how my addiction to other stuff began.
I became addicted to my skin, my nose, my air, my every piece of existence and decided never to go back. I could do it on my own, I could cure myself... I spent six months without drinking. The first day was the worst, everyone was drinking around me and I had to get up there and read... I was shaking, literally and visibly shaking. Even my voice was shaking but I did it and it felt great!
Ironically, I also smoked far more than I used to and had 2 accidents in which my car was total, in the course of those six months. In both I was so sober I saw them coming and my soul jumped so strongly I think my whole body moved. Still they passed, and after that I decided I was ready to get back on the horse and had my first drink.I was so nervous...
And here I am, years later. I'm not a drunk, I was an alcoholic and now I'm just a social drinker that almost never drinks more than 3 drinks when she goes out. I smoke fairly less than ever but I have no spotlight, no poetry to read, no life to inspire me, no partner to comfort me...
All I have is this white and black keyboard like the keys on a piano, just instead of creating music, I create thoughts and ideas that most likely will never get my name on their first page but someone elses. I create this, this little piece of journal heaven where I can be myself if I want, or someone entirely different if the mode strikes...
So on drinking.... don't ever listen to me!
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