So here goes nothing... I know I say that a lot but what else can I say, really? I don't have much more than nothing to say. Fake stories, fake realities, fake friends, fake everything... My life is emptier than before and somehow I feel happier. Don't get me wrong I cry every single day for some reason (any reason, really) because deep down I know I'm still depress and its tearing something inside of me. Something I thought didn't exist anymore. Something that maybe could be call hope, but that I know deep down to be something worst... Truth be told I don't want to talk about that. So, yeah I'm sad but I don't want to depress you too.
On another note I could say this was a very nice Christmas. I wouldn't say great but it was okay. My birthday was like every year: kind of fun, and I had a pretty good time with my friends. Some stay over and talk none stop over the night while I tried to sleep some. But it was ok... lol. That's why I love them so much. They can make me laugh when I feel down and make mad as hell the rest of the time, which is perfect because I love fake fighting lol.
New Year's was sad... It was fun don't get me wrong. I ended up at some strangers house, drinking, eating, and dancing, but I kinda missed my mom. I know... lame, rite? lol It doesn't matter... The thing is there was this point through-out the night, about an hour before midnight, when I found myself completely alone. Everyone else was around doing something and it hit me... I was alone and something broke inside of me. Like a wave of self-pity, don't you hate those? It was as if I couldn't shake that feeling from me. I was alone. That was it. Alone and nobody seemed to notice. Nobody seemed to care that I was alone, standing in the sidewalk feeling like a loser, and an idiot.
I can't help hating myself every time I cry. Which is why I don't cry in public, and if I do I hate myself even more. That night I let about 2 single tears run down and took a deep breath, closed my eyes and there... all better. All bottle up inside like a huge piñata that would someday explode, but hopefully when I'm alone somewhere private.
In the past 5 years or so I can only remember one time I cried in public, and it was so horrible... but it could have been worst. I was talking on the phone with a guy... You know how people say that if you want something bad enough sometimes you have to put yourself out there... pour your heart out and maybe, just maybe something good would come out of it. Well... I did. I poured my heart out, granted I did it over the phone but you know what? If not I might have never do so at all. I'm a coward with the things that really matter. I had never poured my heart out, or put myself out there, I find it very hard to flirt with someone I reeeally like, or that I consider a friend, I don't notice when someone is hitting on me because really it's been so freaking long since I left my guard down that I've become invisible to myself, and that is what people see. Or so my best friend is always saying...
I pride myself on being hard to forget when it comes to men. I mean my ex's to this day would flirt with me and sometimes I see something in their eyes, but the truth is I would never go back to anyone I've left behind. But when it comes to friends I thought... I'm forgettable. I mean, for example, the other day two of my friends (we have know in each other since middle school or high school) were remembering something they did together. I wasn't there, I know that much so I tell them about the time we did something which I thought hilarious and that we were all there... they couldn't remember. For some reason that hurt my feelings... I know I hate myself when I get that stupid but hey... I call it a hormonal disorder and I'm sticking to it.
Anyways a few days after that my best friend and I were talking with someone else about how I've always felt like I'm part of the background. Not because I'm shy, anyone that knows me can tell you I am not shy at all. I like listening to people, finding out their true colors before showing mine. That and the fact that I have 2 very loud best friends. They are very out there kind of people, talking, laughing and simply being themselves makes them the center of attention and me, well... I've always was very private, reserved. Don't get me wrong, I love talking and I can talk your ears out but I have to warm up, so to speak, before I become myself around people. Which doesn't happen to me when I meet someone through internet for example. I think is the face to face thing... the fact that that person right there might be able to later point me out, or disappoint me or ... I don't know. I can't explain it... maybe is one of those self-esteem problems psychologists are so happy to treat. But the truth is, when I'm not face to face with someone I can much more easily be myself from the start, my crazy, stubborn, and talkative self... My best friend gets mad at me for that... She says she doesn't get it. Why can't I be that way when I'm face to face with someone I like, something I want, or simply when I'm face to face with whatever, whoever or however...? And I always use the feeling like part of the background excuse... And she did something that, well, made me cry again. She looked at me and she said that what I didn't get was that I was the Star there not her. Yeah, she was louder but that was it. I was special, and she wanted so hard to make me understand that. That I was pretty, smart, and so much more than a cute face or a chubby ass... That if I was only myself I could get anything, anyone that I set myself to get. Which reminded me right there and then the song in Beaches "Your the wind beneath my wings". I know, I know... but I couldn't help myself. Kinda sounded right in that moment, and if my life was a musical that would have been the moment when she sang that song... lol
And well, it's not that I do not know all that but I think it's mostly about... About the fact that I'm scare the heck out of feeling.... anything. I prefer being lonely at being in love because love is so... unsure. I like knowing where I'm going, what/where I'm standing on and how to get back from there. With love you don't know ANY of those things!!!!!!!! Besides the fact that I do not trust people easily which is why I've had the same friends for years, some of them as far as middle school, even when I threat every few years to get new ones, 'cause seriously they are the best but sometimes... uff *sigh*.
The big contradiction in all this is that at the end of the day I'm a hopeless romantic. I can't help myself... I believe love, real love, the kind you approach realistically, is the greatest feeling of all. And what I mean by realistically is the love where you know each others defects, quirks, virtues, bad habits, where you know what irritates the hell out of you about your partner but you still love him/her for who he/she is. And I'm not one of those that says love can last a lifetime because sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't, but that doesn't mean that at one point it wasn't love, real love. And we can be in love several times in life, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like we will ever love again.
At the end of the day... what was my point? I have no freaking idea what-so-ever. I just thought I should make a note of everything that goes through my mind as this new year begins. I'm sad, yes, but sometimes I'm very happy too. Because even though something is tearing up inside, I know that time heals everything, even if it sounds like a lame fortune cookie line. = ) But hey... isn't life a little bit of a fortune cookie? Always giving us hope, moving us forward, laughing at us, making us cry, and sometimes being a living hell or a gateway to paradise.... your choice.
Every day is a new beginning... or so they say.
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