The Truth

 Ok, so I’m a jealous person by nature, I can admit that much since I’m not shy about my defects. And I know most people would say that jealousy is based on insecurities; sure, why not? I’m also insecure, who isn’t? But that’s not the point I’m trying to make here. The thing is, well, I’m a jealous person, but only with the people I really care about. My friends are the main focus of my jealousy, simply because they are there and in some small space in my derange mind I’ve already put my stamp on them, my very own and invisible sign that reads “Shera’s Property”.  Consciously I know they are not and I’m usually well behaved. I’m actually recovering from jealousy, like a disease that consumed me for a very long time. I’m not jealous anymore, at least not in the way people think I am.

What some people know and I’m okay with saying is that I’m also kind of an egocentric person. I like to be the main subject, to capture all the attention and when I don’t… well, that’s when I get annoying. I like to talk about myself, like any sane woman, and I like feeling cared for. I like to know my friends love me even after knowing all of this. Because I know their defects and I love them, isn’t that the way love’s suppose to be?

But why am I talking about jealousy? you may ask. Truth is I feel the need to explain myself. Something happened a few days ago, something bad that changed the chemistry within the group somehow. I had a friend’s birthday party and truthfully I was psyched. It promised to be a great party and we were supposed to have a great time. But when I got home to get ready, I started to feel bad. I had an intense pain that stayed with me throughout the night. I tried to be brave, I tried drinking my ass off to see if maybe it numbed the pain, I tried distracting myself by dancing, and it seemed to work… until I sat on a chair. That was it. That did me in and all of a sudden the pain in my ovaries plus the fact that I was drunk seemed to do a number on me. I felt horrible! Everyone thought I was angry, though… that I couldn’t control my feelings. Heck, I was crying… sure, I was. I was in pain, damn it! And no one seemed to want to leave me alone! No one seemed to understand… then again, how could they when I hadn’t said anything? They did ask if I was okay, but I wasn’t about to say in front of a whole group of people I didn’t know that I had menstrual pain. Ironically, I’m doing it now.

After the party I went to the bathroom to change and when I came out, my friends were gone; all but one and the birthday girl that stayed behind to clean. So, feeling abandoned for what were supposed to be some of my closest friends I sat in my car for some five minutes crying my eyes out, ‘cause I was so drunk, so frustrated by everything that I had no idea how the fuck to get out of the damn parking lot. The remaining friends saw me and forced me out of the car, I didn’t fight much ‘cause I knew I was in no condition to drive.  And then, I got angry. I was so angry that they had actually left me there, caring only about themselves and having a good time, that I think I started to boil. My head wanted to explode and everything went numbed. I was angry as fuck!

So after everything was cleaned and we finally caught up with them I wanted to kill them for making me feel like shit. So I went on bitchy mode… not the best move, but hey, that’s me. And then, I realize everyone thought I was jealous. Jealous! That made me even angrier. The fact that they couldn’t see what had happened, that they were not paying attention, not interested… that was like a very low blow for me. And I get why they would think that, given the situation and everything that’s happened, but the truth is, I wasn’t jealous, probably because I was so mad that jealousy never even entered my brain.  

And I wanted to get all of this out of my system because we haven’t had a chance to talk. I haven’t had a chance to explain myself. And say everything I felt, how it hurt me that when I said to one of them I’m not feeling okay, he, with a very “I-don’t-care” attitude, told me to leave then; or how he automatically took me out of any plans, or changed the ones that were set. And I don’t care about those things, I cared about the way they were said. The way they were done. I’m a very sensible person underneath any bitchy attitude I may have… they know that. I have abandonment issues, and they should know that too. Which is one of the reasons I got angry with one of them before, when he never came to pick me up when he said he would. I felt abandoned then, I felt abandoned now.

And the thing is that since, I felt a chill. The frozen smile, the cold attitude towards me, the empty kiss on the cheek, the lack of a hug when we say goodbye, the lack of friend-like behavior. I’m getting the cold shoulder… and it hurts me because I don’t think I deserve it. I think I’m a great friend, the kind that would never leave one of them drive if I know they’re drunk, the kind of friend that would never leave any of them stranded anywhere, the kind of friend that would give everything she has, doesn’t have or would ever have for them, at their disposal to use as they need. Because my friends come first, sometimes even before family, because my friends are the family I chose to have, the ones I chose to share my life with.

And I think they should know that… you should know that, because I don’t think you do.